loss.

loss: the way breath can catch. absurd notions. erasing fine lines of pleasure. the way in which i move in opposition to thought. in dire regret. in falsities of surety. all that i have felt...in strict confidence, in necessity, in aggregated obscenity. i catch myself again and again. falling into this. shallow pool of lust. regret. forgiveness only just beginning. the acute pain of loss. slowly lifting. but remaining, none the less apparent. your skin. still shining...strong memory.

patience.

patience.
not a virtue i've ever been much good at.

silence.
i'm even worse.

but these days.
i must.
and i'm learning. how letting go, makes me the master of both.

space.

i have taken the time to place myself. consistently out of view. decidedly distant. i have begun the steps that will take me out of range. that will enable me to feel again. every instance. each sentance. all of the movement. inside this head.

i am able. to hold a space. ever expansive. mouth agape at the sound that it makes. holding you. always, in view.

why new york is the most insane city ever

i am going to do my best to remember it all. i should have taken more photo's. for now. let's begin.
[i am still laughing. and i'm pretty convinced i am some kinda zombie as i only slept about 2.5 hours and i am awake and actually productive? yeah...]

friday night.
jonezetta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so excited your show was sold out at the knitting factory. so glad we got to sneak in. you made girl night so much fun.

doc holiday's?
well i fail and am no longer in charge of girl night because of you.
thanks.

saturday night. oh my my my. let's just say...i revisited and rekindled my love for iggy's. danny and i had welcome to nyc time. pirate mike was working. and stretch showed up. who knew?

then i headed over to julep. ummmmm. all i know is that if you look closely at these next two photo's you might get an inkling as to what was really going on.





nice. uhmmm. shirts. dan!

if i had enough photos we could go through the whole progression. it was like fashion week all in one night. ps. this shirt does not belong to him. i will give you one clue as to who really owns it. loooooook clooooosely.





and yes it's true he likes to go into the bathroom and put on women's clothes [i witnessed this with my own eyeballs!] and yes i still love this kid [ssshhhhh it's a secret.]



and purely for my own enjoyment and because she does not remember putting on the shirt of her friend/boss's boyfriend i am posting this [sorry mer but i have to!]



highlights of the night include: jeffe. you were just freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!! and dan. i like philosophizing about music/living and my dating life [or wonderful lack thereof] in the middle of a crazy dive bar with bad hip hop on, your friends cross dressing and mer taking more shots than she was allowed. we are all one big happy family again and that makes me happy!!! :)

sunday.
oh sunday.
sunday
sunday
saunday funday
how i love you always

now i must admit i miss shannon and kimberly terribly [duran duran and opening night at cirque du soleil that's all i'm going to say!] but oh man...last night!? doc holiday's?!

i know this bar is one of the most silly places ever and you are bound to see all kindsa crazy gypsy-ness but really? all of that really happened last night?

i mean...one guy thought it was open mic night. he pretty much set up his electric guitar and played [or tried to play] pink flyod all night. huh? cut it out man. the country music is depressing enough. you were not helping.

ok. stunts at the bar. danny was trying to rocket launch himself.



pbr and text messaging pretty much always rules the night.



now. i'm really going to try to preface these next pictures with some witty banter and explanation. but basically. there were some obscenely drunk people at this bar [big surprise i know]. but this night was special. well...HE was special. if i must summarize the night in one mere photo well this is it. this is the big winner. here you go. are you ready for this? really? ready? brace yourself:



his name is joe and yes he is attempting some strange acrobatic where he lifts his foot onto the bar while staring at us and i think talking in some barely intelligible gibberish.
it got even better when too lovely ladies came in and one decided that she would claim him as her own for the evening. it was definitely inappropriate.
let's just have a moment of silence now:





about this time in the night i check out. i head uptown. but ummmmm. i got locked out. so after wandering around 90th street listening to stg blaring in my ipod and almost crying cause i had to pee so bad. yep. i hoped back on the subway and returned to the scene. danny had returned as well. and we basically had to rock paper scissor over meridith. being homeless i won. almost had a mini meltdown. then continue with the evening. danny rules. and not just because he was my bathroom escort. [i will definitely live if i never see the inside of the men's bathroom at doc's again thank you very kindly].

in case you were wondering. we rule.



in case you thought that was all oh you're wrong.
the best part of the night was trying to decipher the words of the man next to me who had just sliced his own tongue. yes. apparently the day before he decided he wanted to split his tongue. apparently i have missed out on this new trend. i am just not cool anymore it's really sad. in any case. wow. good luck with that man. sorry you can't taste anything or talk without a lisp anymore. oh and thanks for the offer but ummm no thanks.

anyone wonder why i am single in nyc...?

why i have the best life ever.

seriously. life fucking rules. i can laugh harder than i ever have in a LONG time and cry all in the same day and it still rules. i am surrounded by the most beautiful supportive fabulous friends a girl could ever ask for. i am going to do my best to summarize this weekend. brace yourself.

friday night was team kim break-out. meridith and danny came to my rescue. we packed up everything i own in about 20 minutes, convincing the apartment building tenents that we were ransacking the apartment i'm sure. totally funny to throw your own stuff into bags like a burglar. turns out i'm pretty smart cause i was living with a borderline psychopath and just found out phew. go me. go life. woot woot.

being picked up in a black escalade and escorted uptown RULES. showing up and expecting to carry all the goods up three flights cause the elevator's broken... yeah....well....the nice men servicing the building at that hour [seriously who works at 7pm on a friday?], well they moved all my stuff for me. and i got to ride in a pitch black elevator with a man i didn't know and no door watching the red paint soaked walls that looked like blood. pretty much a scene out of a scary movie except it's really my life and it's actually quite funny instead.

the great escape!





i love these men:




dawn rules. bars on the upper east side with smokin hot bartenders rule too. pizza and beer and pj harvey rule. there's a lot of ruling going on. you better get into it.

saturday shannon and kimberly arrive from los angeles. we go shopping. which included gucci and champagne for breakfast. the girls go to duran duran and i attempted to hibernate. this was until i received an s.o.s from downtown. dude. let's just put this out there. if you are mean or dare i say even an asshole to my best friend...please do not think you can still be my friend. please?! ok thanks. shannon and kimberly show up. they are DRUNK. meridith is often my reason for living and saturday was no exception. i like to take her boyfriend and show him off to strangers and feel quite awkward but laugh about it all the same. apparently i also like to hang out with boys from texas that i shouldn't. more on that later. i must say it was really nice to be the least drunk in the group. i didn't even embarrass myself! go team!




danny i'm posting this because your face says it ALL!!





sunday. aweeeeeeeeee sunday.
sunday funday.
how i love thee.

i don't think luke had any idea what he was in for but he took a chance and met up with us. blind tiger. you are the reason i go to the west village. i love you. and your grilled cheese and tomato soup and your bloody beer. and your plentiful taps. universe i love you for bringing heidi to the bar. because it's pretty amazing to have someone i know from los angeles who i haven't seen or talked to much in 6 months just show up at the bar i'm at. cause to have 8 million people in one city but randomly run into one you know...well it's just pretty awesome.

oh yeah dawn rules:



and luke really likes kimberly's iphone:



thank you my new indian man friend who sells me tara incense and makes it tolerable for us to hang out in a bar that smells like dead rat. it's a true testament to how much we all love meridith that we were able to stomach that. it probably has something to do with chocolate cakes shots. i'm just saying.

kinda love her cause she's a sheriff:



danny when you dived under the pool table and came out the other side i thought for sure i would die from laughing. and thanks for trying to dance with me. we are obviously two girls. that didn't work so well. but it was fun trying.



by this point in the night we have divided into team kim and 'the rest of the bar'.

team kim:


there was really no contest. we win. having 10 of your best friends all in a bar on the same night listening to garth brooks and johnny cash RULES. i mean RULES. life rules. friends rule. everything rules. dawn and jeff it was so good to see both of you. luke is now officially in our family and one of my new favorite people. every time you make that deniro face i just bust out laughing. and your red cheeks say it all.






danny. day 3 in nyc and you fit right in. shannon. oh the shannon show. i love my sister. kimberly. i'll say it again. i am only pretty because of you ;) thank you for my haircut. and for dancing with me in your underwear. and for basically being one of the coolest people i know. gerry. oh gerry! you are one of my favorite drinking buddies. you rule at life. texas? i think you know what we think of you. you're out. i like rocks.

the end.