Saturday, December 18, 2004

woooooooooo. it's 80 degrees here!

just when i think my life is so boring, and inconsequential i am reminded by the grace of gods that movement is not always measured by manifestation but shows itself in feeling and emotions. today i am breathing and remember that i am in love. in love with living. i am alive and no matter what the darkness brings i will stay here until it is time to leave. and for that i am greatful.. my tolerance for pain is increasing by monuments

in one week i am heading back to new york. i cannot wait. i get to ring in the new year in my favorite city, running amok and doing god knows what

then i get to head back to san francisco for wor and record a demo. there is so much movement i don't even want to speak on it yet. i can't wait to see how it all pans, friends, work, city. i am tiring of being in orange county. it's fabulous to hang out with the sister and mother, and go to yoga and sleep and drive and be a bum...but i miss life. i miss the pulse and movement of buses and subways and cold weather. it's been 80 all week and jesus i'm itching to wear my winter coats :)

i miss being alone. the soul is tearing at my skin.

so life brings...what we will see. but it is movement. and more than i often stop to acknowledge. so today, right now, in the middle of a party in rivine, california i am taking a moment to say 'rock on' to relish in the beauty of life that is peaking and lapping on my tongue. i am in love with being alive in this moment. and i thank you, all of you for this.




Friday, December 10, 2004

promises. promises.

i know. pictures! you probably think i've been sitting in a white box looking at the wall from my lack of updates

but no no. i've been on the go. and i think this weekend i'll finally post for real.

i was up in sf for a few days this week. the trip was nothing as i had planned, but still wondrous none the less...

tonight i play at the derby which i am so amped for. finally...a real show in los angeles, a venue...goodness. i feel very fortunate to have all these opportunities coming to me. this week i will decide where i will spend the next three months...oh no commitment!!! :) i know my demo will be getting done and from there i can play shows outside of my comfort zone...venturing into unknown states and cities causing a scene...i music.

i miss new york.'ll see. keep watching.




if you haven't listened to the new interpol album, DO IT.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

brrrrrrr argh argh

i'm in colorado for thanksgiving. there has been snow and chill...lots of coffee and reading. i can't seem to get anything done but i'm learnign to let go of that. looking forward to playing a few shows in december and then finally settling again, getting an apartment and working on my portfolio so i can go back to school. if only i could decide which coast to stay on...


darkness has settled onto my skin. not in a morbid depressing way but in a rainclouds are approaching way. i need some serious alone time and i'm not seeing it in my future since i don't have a pad to call 'home'. so...i suppose i will just have to scratch the surface and keep treading water. and let love slip by again.


nothing much to report. i'm still hibernating in my own way and just might forever or so it feels...looking forward to heading back to sf in a week, i miss so many of you! until then. stay warm.



Wednesday, November 17, 2004


where to even begin. i haven't had a fast internet connection in a long while and thus my lack of motivation to upload pics and review my'll come just you wait

today i would just like to say happy birthday jeff buckley...we're not doing a tribute show for you today but your memory and meaning still lives in our hearts. your music is still heard...and we still love you! xoxoxoxoxo.

freedom is perhaps the most important word to me these days. i feel its meaning in a more profound way than ever before and deeper than i can explain. there are no more rules for me. there are no more expectations. there is only action and movement and words and they reveal everything and nothing at all. i know i will be going back to school/design program soon and that excites me. i have accepted a show at the derby in los angeles which warms my heart. i was set to play a show in LA by the end of the year and is happening! i've been in so cal a week now...spending time with my friends, touching love and letting it go again...hanging with my sister and my mother...working on websites and reading. i'm heading to colorado for a week for thanksgiving then i am playing shows in san francisco and los angeles then i head back to new york for a bit. i'm hoping to play a show, work a little, hang out with jessica and check out the schools there. i love that my options are sf or nyc. the only two places i'd ever consider living right now. technically i live no where and i love that feeling. it keeps me on my feet and keeps me moving. and i know soon i'll be settled into one city again...or will i?

i know this isn't much of an update but it's all i can give at the moment so take it :)

if you are reading this today, november 17th, 2004, do something for me and listen to a jeff buckley song...take a deep breath and smile. today may there be freedom for everyone...however you may need it.



Friday, October 22, 2004




last night


god in the shape of a woman

who rocks and rocks and rocks

that was one of the best performances i have ever seen by anyone

it's rare to want to cry at a show just from the sheer power of the person on the stage!

she even played taut my favorite crazed obsession film noir song. it takes quite a band to play that song...shit one song they even had two drummers going and i thought the sound from the bass drums was going to crush me!

i needed that so much

and even the songs from her new album which i wasn't so exctied about...seeing them live...her...all power and red dress and 4 inch electric blue heels well damn it was hard not to fall in love

a true artist. she sets herself apart by truely delving into the subjects she is writing about and gauging the human psyche... the songs aren't just personal reflections or emotional outlets...they are characters and personalities and behavior animated

okay i'm alright


i'll be fine

until i see her again tonight...




Friday, October 15, 2004

deep breath big stretch

yo. i'm house-sitting for john while he's on his honeymoon (the wedding was SOOOO beautiful...) i don't have access on my ibook so i'm not planning on being online much till november

i've just been reading and sleeping and drinking espresso. it's rough...yesterday i did do some painting - eric was out from nyc and we redid his old room (long story). that was actually quite fun! still training to bartend, back for another round tonight...

so much is changing and happening there will have to be one big gigantic update next month. it's going to be insane. i love it!

i definatley miss new york

inspiration is on the rise

and love is creeping towards me

everything is perfect



Tuesday, October 5, 2004

october 5th

greg hardwick -

we still miss you down here.

there's not enough rock or laughter.

Monday, October 4, 2004


there is soooo much to report

explainations as to why i have over 20 new bruises, teeth marks on the back of my shoulder and a missing toenail

for now let's deal in the short story so i can go to sleep. hopefully after one more day i'llbe recovered and able to do something.

today i had hopes until i ran into joey who i haven't seen in close to 3 years and every time i tried to leave the pizza place he filled up my beer glass so it was impossible to leave. i love reunions :)

pictures of the casualties and craziness from the weekend soon...(hot snakes! dan, sarah, edinburgh, love parade... cute/drunk irish boys named patrick)

and oh yeah

most recently -

catching up with john tonight at the bar down the street...trying to grabbed and kissed by the resident drunk girl. that was...ah...not so fun. i am only okay initiating that not being bombarded with it. ha. never a dull moment these days


nighty night.

love love

kiss kiss



Saturday, September 25, 2004


okay you are ALL in big BIG trouble!!!

everyone i know or have known in the past two are now part of one of my new have been forewarned

i'm about to put up (finally) photo albums of all the pictures i've been taking in the last few years. this means you. you know who you are.

i took a picture of you at the jeff buckley tribute, at your club deluxe show, at edinburgh castle, at kimos, in new york city, in san franciso, in los angeles, at tongue and groove...drinking whiskey, running down the street screaming, hiding in a booth...on a boat, on the street, at that house a bar. you were drinking, you were laughing, you were kissing me, drunk and reading a book on my were playing music that made me believe in humanity were dying, living and were my friend, my lover, my new aquaintance...we shared tears, smiles, secrets, synchronicity.

i want you to remember. i want to relive. i want to share...soon i will launch these photo albums...nothing fancy...but they will be online, live, and i will send you the link. it will be fun. or you may hate me for sharing. but either way it is happening. and life will expand. and the music will continue.

for now i share the joys from last night.

ben with his marvelous paintings.

dave and i laughing at seeing each other again (thank you muse! hahahha)

and the strange phenomenon of green christmas lights at

big love and happy birthday to tony today.



Friday, September 24, 2004


i love when everything falls into place. and knowing tomorrow could throw me right back or bring me does not matter. at this moment i am happy. this night was perfect. it was exactly what i needed for like a hundred reasons. i hung out with old friends. i learned to bartend. i got to hang out somewhere i used to work and where i had so many beautiful nights and i got to share in my crazed excitement for muse AND pj harvey

what more could a girl searching for life ask for?


thank you ben, kimo's, the bands that played, harlow, and dave.

i got to have a total freak out girly moment about music and what i love and have that returned. it is making me smile and laugh even now. i got to serve beer to cute wondrous men who know virgin mega whore and the saga that surrounds/ed much synchronicity i can no longer wonder about the placement of myself in this space and time

it is perfect

i thank you

thank you for love

for lust

for wanting

for music

for seeking

for truth.

yesterday i walked to edinburgh castle to see sacha, todd, john and alex play. i was completely down. i could not find faith or hope in people or the course of life circling around me. the music that i heard reminded me...brought back the faith in life that i cling to...add that to the beauty and spontaneity of tonight and i just shrug my shoulders and smirk at the face of god reflected to me. all is well...angels do sleep beneath my pillow

and peace does find joy at just the right moment.

thank you jeff, pj, nick, john, joni, fred, tim and all the rest.

it is a day to celebrate. a moment to want. a peace to have.




pics from tonight to follow...just as soon as i sleep a few hours and then awake to run amok all weekend long

love love love you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

jumping up and down

muse last night was a beautiful beautiful thing

i should be there right now seeing them again in davis...but i couldn't bring myself to go

so i've got them on full blast...dead star and futurism are just the sea and the sand to me

god they rock so much

it was madness up near the stage. i even got thrown on the ground. but some nice girl helped me up before the legs that were flailing past my face actually hit me!

my arms aren't looking so pretty today:

not the best picture i KNOW and there's more...but that's all you get. i didn't bring my camera cause i knew i'd get distracted and that if it was in my pocket it might actually wound me in the crowd :) my sister called during the show and i held up the phone then the mosh pit began and i started screaming 'i'm going to die' and hung up.

don't get me was rad. just to be right up to the stage and see them all doing their thing. and matthew kept prancing around like a pony which was hilarious. those three men deserve a place in rock history and i believe they are well on their way. i've been a fan for four years now and finally see them selling out venues and actually playing in the states. there is a god.

okay okay enough rambling loveness about muse. you all know already how i feel :)

i took today off work and spent time going through songs, playing guitar. trying to find meaning again. that seed of doubt, the questions are back. i don't know what light to shine or even if it deserves a place in this world. i hope i take enough time to be what i'm here to be...



Monday, September 20, 2004

wine in the evening...oh yeah and chocolate

went to napa yesterday

my dad and sister ended up coming into town and we had a weekend of fun

it began going to tongue and groove to see world wide spies...

my sister is CRAZY:

some people think we are twins and some can't even tell we are related, whatya think?

WWS were so fun, as always. i had much less whiskey than i usually do when i see them and noticed that they really do rock...

my dad, beautiful weather and you know where i get it from:

it was great to have some family's so rare. but i was glad to get in salt bath and relax today. i need that...

chilling out right now. just made some portabello mushrooms with gorgonzola cheese...drinking wine...gonna head out soon to meet up with john to chat about red pants and life and the meaning of know. nothing and everything at once.

i'm having the fleelting urge...i want to run off...ireland? new mexico? anywhere...where...? will come. and i will let go of this distraction...and listen to the murmurs of my soul which whisper so slightly right now but get whisked away so quickly...

muse is tomorrow...

it will set my cells afire. i can't wait! i need that need it need it!


i'm still flier girl. songs coming soon on the website. even if they are just rough demos...

be love today.



Saturday, September 18, 2004


it's been a while. but i was going through something i hope i never have to go through again. i'm still amazed at the stress one can put on their own body. a distortion. but then you find yourself again. breathing. soliciting faith. returning.

i love where i am at right now. i'm in san francisco and it looks like i will be here for a while. i've got complete freedom to go where i like and be what i want. most importantly i've solidified in my focus. all that needs to be done now is play. i'm working on my demo, writing songs, and being. just being. and i don't need nor want anything to get in the way of that. even here. even back in my city. i don't want to be here forever. i don't want to move back here. and that's good to know. and i'm seeing the people i know and love here but i'm not giving myself away nd not trying to carry the weight of the city anymore. i don't really care. i mean, i care as i always do, loving...but i'm not attached to it like i used to be. i've found my focus. and my tolerance for bullshit is almost nil.

i've been taking in as much political news as possible, ready everything from socialists magazines and watching middle eastern news stations to reading google news headlines and watching cnn crossfire. my political and historical education has much to catch up on...luckily i've got smarty pants friends who are gving me much food for thought. thank you kelly and john!

i don't want to share what has happened with brian. it doesn't need to be expressed here and i never should have shared as much before :) but sometimes i just can't help myself. just know that i am right where i need to be. i don't need a relationship just to have one. i know exactly what i want and i know when i have that. the path i am on is narrow and my fear of heights is growing. but it is my choice and my battle. and i will continue


which reminds me...

went to napa last weekend and had too much fun crushing grapes and climbing on tractors

don't know how i got up in the morning. the sickness was so bad that day...but it subsided! saturday night was supposed to be a quiet dinner with amman since he was in town to visit his brother...turned out we went to visit ben at kimo's and ran into an old friend and then went bar hopping, saw steve from t&g and ended up back at my place with people i don't even know eating pita crisps, drinking and reading 'the sexual life of catherine m' for storytime.

oh fun fun fun

here's amman!

and ben initiating story time while getting fed

and me discovering that the walls in my place are super soft!!!

and finally me and ryan. hell i don't even know ryan. but it looks like i do right? :)

all kindsa fun. always.

got red pants back!


that was a trip. not sure how much i really want to do with it...but it's been cool having john on board and keep that alive. probably keep some shows going on in sf...branch out into other venues and just work with the few good bands who are here.

decided i definatley do NOT want to do a buckley tribute show. with all the bullshit going on with his mom selling him out and people jumping on the fanwagon and not even understanding the would completely cheapen my love and my experience of him and his music. so i'm keeping it to myself. we'll probably just have a small birthday party or something if i'm still in town or if i come back for we'll see.

shit there's all kindsa other stuff going on. like where i'm thinking of going next...states i've never visited. i'm thinking of just going to these places and chilling out. we'll see. i'll tell you once it happens

much much love...

oh yeah, i've put up a basic site, finally...i know! it took forever. but i was finally inspired to start it. you can count on it going through many reincarnations in the next few weeks so catch it while you can :)

be good.

love love love,



Wednesday, September 8, 2004

harder to breathe

i just want to sit here. drinking wine. more wire. not thinking about growth or anything else beyond my control at this exact moment in time. if i've learned anything it's that i can get through anything. i know this. so i'm resolved to sit inside myself tonight and find silence again. i cannot be afraid. there is too much to do.

so i'm in a studio apartment, i've got a cute view of the city and grace cathedral and only a 7 minute walk to work. it's perfect for now.

people keep asking what my plans are? well...i can barely plan past the weekend so...we'll all just have to wait and see. october will keep me in san francisco to kittie/house sit for john as he goes on his honeymoon...i will also finish writing and begin recording again and play some shows which i'm excited about. i am not sure what they will sound like with just me and guitar...but i only have to spend some more time with them and the tears and fire will find their balance...always do.

i have an overwhelming urge to go read baudelaire. i listened to a lot of old cd's i was into when i lived in paris a few years ago and i think that set me off...there's a really cool song that is french and english called 1+1 and it always makes me want to write in french...or take poetry and set it to the itch for fleur du mal is somewhat explained :)

john and i began our battle to get back red pants productions back. i lost the domain in a stupid war with the web and domain hosters...lame...don't even ask about i made my first email plee for it back today since some robat has stolen it. arghhhhhh.

i am no longer a pirate.

people i miss today: danika. laura. jessica. my darling girls i send you all hugs and kisses and warm cups of hot chocolate.

i'm having a new obsession with seattle. it seems like the greatest place...water, rain, a big city but lots of nature... trees... green...did i mention the rain?

notice how i'm talking about everything but what is really going on?



i love you.



next show: club deluxe, san francisco, tuesday october 26th. 2004.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004


it's september and that kristin hersh song 'the letter' comes to insane beautiful

it's midnight. just went out with tony, hit up sparky's then deluxe to see john and then margaret and hear this rad 10 minute blissed out tune about a frog named jack. imagine - a guy's best friend is a frog, his own tent, flying the kite, all of it....damn. guess you had to be there.

i'm headed home alone in a few hours. by home i mean my mom's county then vegas. see some friends, chill in the backyard drinking beer and eating good food with my sister! decide that things were too inconsistent with brian to warrant bringing him home. communication should not be so difficult or unstable...the last few days i'm been completely tense and felt like my belly was going to eat itself. but it released today.

i think just seeing tony and staying at cellspace helped...comfort...i've known him the longest in sf, i guess close to 4 years now and our times are always easy kick back beer drinking grubbing shoot the shit times. goodness. and i'm in heaven having some private time in a cozy place, not a hotel...yipppeeeeee. to think that four years ago i was dancing like a maniac to lorin in this werehouse meeting so many beautiful souls for the first time, and now i'm sleeping here...i love the circles and cycles of choas that fate brings.

there's more to report but i'll save that for when my head is a bit more clear and not just spewing my overflowing brewed thoughts at you...that's not so fun...


much love to you.



Tuesday, August 24, 2004

title and regret


i've been absent. i know...i'm sorry. but i got caught up in the flow of i know you understand


the last, what is it now, two weeks it's been? ... insano. the good kind.

all kinds of emotional tantrums, most of them personal, but all of them beautiful

san francisco feels like a whole new place to me...the same streets and people, sights and sounds, but my heart is in a new place and all that i once was tied to is no longer lingering, no longer a scent i can catch...

i think the easiest thing to do is show some pics - yes NEW pictures to let you in on what's transpired



there's a lot here so prepare yourself. some funny, none serious, all real, no actors. i swear.

so. upon going to practice with pink meat the week i was leaving nyc...taly found out that i would be gone longer than two weeks and pretty much freaked out on me. saying i was giving up on my life and running back 'home'. a whole slew of other shit that doesn't need to be repeated...

i was pretty bummed but was reminded that this kind of shit was happening a lot back in sf when we played there...we are completely different people and she doesn't understand how i live my life. our priorities are different. her #1 is the band, and mine is not...mine is my music, my art, my we are.

brian was in california and i was in new york, i needed to be with him and i needed work. the path of opportunity was obvious...and i followed it...and i'm loving it...

anyway. i still haven't talked to her since i left...i do miss lisa and all her loveliness...

after the ending of practice blowout we continued drinking beer and had a few moments of fun taking 'supermodel' pictures before we parted...

oh yeah that was the night i went to see david garza at mercury lounge but ended up falling asleep after i got my ticket and missed him! then woke up at 7 am and was violently ill for over an hour. it was like some insane food poisoning ... or maybe that apartment was just any case, that's all done with :)

after tons of worrying and talking and trying to plan and make decisions , all of which i hate...i put my boxes in storage which was an adventure...finding some random guy on craigslist to help me transport the boxes, hoping i wouldn't die, praying my shit was breaking on the trail down the stairs of my place...then trying not to panic as every material object i love went into a large white box in a horrid hospital-hell-storage-space. weird weird place manhattan mini storage.

my stuff is here:

but hey at least it has a nice view...

it's still bizare that my stuff is there in that energy vacuum...but i have faith that one day soon i'll find a 'home' and not be such a transient. hmmm what would that be like....

oh yeah. pictures. so...jessica and i had some last bonding moments that week...i made cookies and hot cocco and she lamented the fact that we would never marry. though she still is determined to live next door to me so as to still enjoy my cooking and goodies. miss that lovely lovely girl. love you jess...

i planned on spending my last night in, just chilling and preparing mentally for whatever may come...but amman called and rallied me into getting a drink...i swear the night began innocently enough...let's go to arlene's grocery and have a beer, catch up on what's been going on since we last saw each other SO long ago in san francisco...but then...i had to bring my glow stick...

this is no ordinary glowstick. i've had this thing for probably over 5 years...back from my college days. it may even date back to paris...i don't know why i've had it so long. i stopped taking them to parties (thank god i know...) and i just couldn't bring myself to throw it away or find a use for it. so it's been packed up and moved around with me for i finally broke it and took it out for an adventure in my my did we have fun...

once we bored of arlene's we headed towards rothko to meet amman's friends...we found them...introducing pabst to bicycles...roughhousing...and just being plain stupid (yep me included) - kids, glowsticks are NOT weapons...i'm a trained professional...

we did have time for a quick photo shoot

here's a bunch of french guys (yes i still remember some french, even i was amazed...), 2 americans and a glowing girl

and then amman made me jealous by peeing in the street!

(photo omitted)

but i weaseled my way into rothko to use the facilities...soon enough we all piled into the club which was pretty empty and uneventful...until...amman let me in on the secret...there's a secret basement...okay well it might not be secret but it was all old and creepy and lit crazy. it just felt cool. so i investigated...

can't tell you anymore than that.

but next time you're in rothko go...check it. there's side door that looks like a back door that leads to the front, bands exit through it...and instead of going out you can go down...enough said.

by that time we'd had too much to drink and i had only a few hours before i had to leave for the airport. what else to do but go to sal's!!! mmmmmm...sal' garlic pizza...eggplant pizza....mmmmm

oh yeah. hi. sorry. then to manatoba's ... amman started getting a little wacky with the beloved glowstick and i was getting weary...

it was time

i said my goodbye and headed home

a great night.

i missed all phone-wake-up calls and slept through my insano-fire-alarm-loud alarm clock and woke 10 minutes b4 i should have left by jessica. did i already say thank god for jessica?! well...i made it. i felt crazed and excited

i had bags that were too heavy, i had to pay extra for first plane took off but caught on fire so we had to turn around and make an emergency landing at la guardia...sorry no pictures! so i missed my layover in chicago but we finally made it and i caught another connector and made it PHEW to sf...exhausted, delirious, nervous and thankful

then brian came. we spent the weekend, eating, drinking, roaming about. i even dragged him to see eric playing with sunday driver...

i'm not so into the band, but it was awesome to see eric rocking it. and funny that he's going to nyc now to be with katie as i'm staying in sf to be with brian. too funny. i love fate. i love life. that night was weird cause all these peeps i don't really talk to were there including michael who i really didn't care to see again. it's like, you know...forget it.


the weekend was over before i was ready. i was still trying to calm myself down and stop thinking and just enjoy the fact that i was here, with him...and then he had to go to portland for training and the whole cycle of missing him and questioning life and doubting myself appeared. and i got on for a ride. and now i'm tired and have stepped down. now i'm just released. now i see that love is full of questions and thoughts and beauty that doesn't have a pinpoint just is. it just breathes. it just exists and slides in the palm of your hand, into your heart...and you live in an evolved atmosphere...a renewed spirit. and then you forget everything you ever vowed or promised or wished for and jump into the ocean. and stop thinking about swimming or floating or do it all, at once and again.

and keep laughing

and keep smiling

and keep loving.

okay that was the longest journal ever

prommise to write more so you don't have to go through that.

tomorrow i work a half day at the bank - oh yeah RAD to be back...missed everyone!!! then i'm going to sacramento to stay with brian. i can't wait. finally. time. with him. perfect.

love love love and love to you.



Tuesday, August 10, 2004

fire. silence. joy. sand.

i just finished getting all my shit BACK INTO BOXES

one day my books will be looked at again

and my journals be spoken to...

for now off to storage ... maybe even tomorrow

then i'll be all packed, can clean and thursday i can spend my last day in new york roaming around and doing god knows what...

...this was much easier than trying to leave sf. i'll tell you that. jesus.

sounds like i'm leaving for good doesn't it?

well...i have no plan

no plan at all

and that makes me so happy

i'm just so freakin happy that there is no need to plan anything. life is just happening and i am just living and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.




see some of you so soooooon.



Monday, August 9, 2004

wait, sun...

there was a giant white cloud hanging in the sky today, fighting against blue. i had a visit with her on delancy street, nearing shelter.

today i began packing up my nyc apartment. my sublet ends in september and i will be in san francisco so off my life belongings go into storage for the first time ever...

i'm nervous and excited all at once. excited to head back to sf, see my friends, work...see margaret and patti, kelly, neil and the gang...

all other emotions ranging from glee to surprise, uncertainty and faith are welling inside, breaking walls and hanging in silent corridors...waiting for arrival.

i'm not sure what to expect with brian. not sure at all. friday afternoon he'll come into the city and all will be well. can't think too far ahead on this one. just go with it and be there. all i know at this time is that i miss him and can't wait to see him. everything else is irrelevant.

spent the afternoon running errands and wandering about broadway looking for shoes, always with the shoe lot. about to head out for some yummy blessed food at sanctuary. mmmmm. tabla's, yumminess, rargh.

too relaxed to write more.

but soon.

love you.


Tuesday, August 3, 2004

path and illumination

things are a bit more clear today

not that i understand anymore about what i am doing, but i am not freaking out. i am not worrying. i am simply enjoying the fact that the universe has shaken my bones, whitewashed my fears and placed me in the perfect position to create.

now. i just have the find the slightest speck of illumination to guide me...where is that rose colored light that used to be so bright? it guided me all the way over here...out of the forest and into the city... :)


john and i are tag team buckley listening again which is always fun. we get the same jeff buckley album out, them we count, 1...2...3...and hit play...then we talk on instant messenger about what is happening. it's a beautiful thing. and a perfect accompaniment to job hunting. my plan of attack is sending out as many resumes as possible. i've never really had to look hard for a job, or an apartment, or much for that matter. i've worked my ass off for what i've had, but it's always just come easily...that's why i'm questioning what to do now. nothing is making much sense...i don't feel like doing anything. perhaps i am still de-toxing from all the over-stimulation of the past few years. or perhaps i'm just ignoring the voice telling me what i should do out of spite. okay i'm rambling and not making much sense i'm sure...

here's a pic of john in case you don't know him, wahahhaha. he's showing you his favorite finger!

today consists of coffee, yes hot coffee in the heat in my hot front room...buckley, job hunting and reading harry potter. i'll probably start learning moodswing whiskey on guitar as well. i miss that song and want to bring it to life...

john's playing deluxe tonight, so if any of you in sf are in the haight, go check him out and drink whiskey with him and think of me hahahha. he has been known to scare people though...hahahha. only go if you want to hear really amazing music. man i miss club deluxe...

no new nyc pictures taken yet but here’s one of me and laura…i miss this lovely creature more than you know…

much much love,



Monday, August 2, 2004

okay i give up!!!

why does god hate me so much this morning? :)

i was so sticky i couldn't fall asleep, then once i finally did around 245 or so i wokeup again at 4, still hot and itchy all over but i couldn't go take a shower cause it's next door...then i get online but don't want to do any work so i get back in bed, feeling sleepy finally only to have the ceiling start leaking water directly on me!!!!!!!! hahaha. yeah soooo funny. it finally stops for a bit and i feel safe enough to attempt sleep, figuring nothing else could happen except maybe the ceiling falling in on me and if that was in the cards so be it, strike me.

so i got a few hours sleep. the apartment i was hoping for is gone already. looks like most things are immeediate openings around how am i supposed to plan and know where i will live in a month? i don't know if i can handle a month of uncertainty!!! i don't know what to do now

but on the bright side, i can feel cool air coming from outside!!! it's a miracle!!!


good stuff can still be had today. i believe! i believe! i believe!


(can you believe it's been three days since i've taken pictures???)

Friday, July 30, 2004

word to the woot

oh man today is a crazy day

i haven't eaten yet but i've had two cups of coffee

i'm kinda, shaaakkkkkeeeyyy


i'm listening to an old fierce gig from may 29th of last year at the stork club. it's so crazy. those songs seem so distant. my voice is wavering all over the place and the band is so loose...but it's funny...hearing outkast and my first songs that i no longer sing...i'm waiting for 'your flesh is nice' to come on. it was the jeff buckley song i did at that was our last band gig too...did you know if you type in 'phierce' in google my website comes up? google psychic or what? strange...oooh the song just came on. god this song is so rad, i can't believe i attempted this in public hahahha! everyone should sing 'your flesh is nice, wanna take a bite' it's just too much fun. but it was the day, and he needed to have one of his songs done...

okay anyway

been doing some drawing, woman being engulfed by a snake that turns into a tree...and listening to music. just being and breathing. i really wish i could exist in this cocoon a bit longer. to just BE and not have to do all these other things that are coming to the surface, begging for attention...job hunting and apartment searching. can't i just read, write, sing, draw, love and play all day? :) one day soon.

i feel so close to the core of what i've been searching for. and i know once i arrive and claim it i will only begin a search for something else. as that is the nature of evolution and consciousness and life. and i embrace that, laugh at it, love it. everything changes and i am not immune to that truth. it touches my fingers and wets my tongue.

brian is leaving today. his life and home is in sacramento and i've been trying not to fear the dissapearance of his face from my life. i know such love for him in his presence and yet such doubt and irrational suspicion of truth in his absence. the universe has brought me what i asked for only a little over a week ago...and now it seems to be leaving...

but check it, he plays like me and takes self portraits (but he doesn't close his eyes like me, hahha) :

now i put on the fierce demo we recorded that i never let more than one soul listen to...

i forgot how much i love the song valium...

'my dreams, are solid answers

my fears, release demons

they draw black lines around the sun

they feed me valium...'

and how funny it was to have a song called 'little monkey'!!!

'there is no end in sight

inside my mouth is a sigh

i walk into the water

fell your mirrors on all sides.

i have tried the waters

but they are dry..,.

[insert little monkey screaming part! ha!]

i have seen the angles of my heart

distracted by the thought of you

i have heard the silence of my soul

distanced by the sight of you

haunted by a bitter view

i would not mind

if you died

for me

i would not mind

if you died

for me

you taste like

chocolate on the vine...'

okay that was enough of a trip down memory lane...

promise new songs coming soon, for real, on the site...

time to go now...



Monday, July 26, 2004

what day is it?

okay kids.

meet brian

now i can't really say too much about him cause i know he'll be reading this at some point, haha. so you'll just have to use your imagination...

i spent most of the weekend with him, shopping on canal street and laughing at everyone with their LV bags...eating lots of food too late in the afternoon, drinking brooklyn lager and even seeing new jersey.

oh yeah here's us in a bathroom. too funny. having a camera makes me feel like a secret ninja spy

yesterday we went and took the staten island ferry...see how beautiful manhattan is!!! god i love it...

and what's the best about this ferry is that it's not filled with funny tourists, and it's FREE. see why i love the staten island ferry? seeeee???

hey, window reflections are so cool...

okay i'll stop tormenting you...

moving along.

i still haven't looked for a job. i really really need to or i won't be able to eat in about two weeks,let alone try and move into a new apartment. i really really really want to find a place near here. i can't bear to be anywhere else...cross your fingers. hmmmmm.

in other news, i'm 26 now and it feels no different at all. i am doing exactly what i want and am exactly where i want to be. that is the fucking greatest feeling ever. there is no more longing in my heart.

omg this next picture cracks me sister and i went to piano's after dinner with jess on my bday and she took this pic. i look like i'm completely about to fall over, like some crazed bukowski drunk, but i'm not and that's what cracks me up. i wonder if you are enjoying these pics as much as me? it's a novelty still...this whole digital world i can share so easily....anyway

pink meat played a show at the luna lounge on friday. we rocked it. i had so much fun playing drums. i finally feel like i can play and i don't get nervous, not at was insano hot and raining and craziness. i still say that i am not a drummer, i just drum...we'll see what happens with all that. no pics of the show, but here's pre-show

okay i think i should be off, go take a bath and then grub on some pizza before playing some guitar and laying down some more tracks. the demo is coming along. the levels are off a bit bt what can you do when recording in a room with just a live take on the computer?'ll hear it soon...i'll post one or two as soon as they are 'done'.


xo and all that loveliness.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

bruises and chocolate

man if you could only see the bruises on my KNEE!!! there's like a little goblin family of eight on the inside of my right knee from where i bashed it into the snare drum repeatedly during practice today! jesus i thought i was going to vomit but no i did not, nor did i start bleeding from any wounds, though i did keep my hand wrapped in tape to keep the big blister from splitting. weeeeeee. i've developed the hugest crush on the spiky-black-haired-pale-skinned-muse-listening-boy that works at our rehearsal space. i can write about him here because i know he will never find it, did i just say never? hmmmm. i mean, hopefully by the time he reads this he will think it's 'cute' and not 'stalkerish' hahahha. anyway. it's so fun to be like this :)

i've made myself a cup of hot choclolate which is damn good and i'm about to start on a new book adventure, well, continuing a book a didn't finish earlier this year called the mission of art by alex grey. he is the most amazing psychedelic painter/artist who paints the energy of people in the most spectacular really should visit his site for a glance if you are not familiar with him - it will make you stare and give you a break from your day, go

i came across his work through ken wilber (who is probably one of the most brilliant men alive today) while studying transpersonal psychology. anyway...i'll recap on that once i get back into it.

jessica and i have decided to live apart come september when we move out of these sublets. i think it best in the end. we live totally different schedules and need to be in different parts of the city. i cannot bear to leave the lower east side, it is too perfect to be right near everyone and everything and a five minute walk to all the bars and clubs i like...and she needs to be on the west side near columbia and where it's, looks like we both still stay in this beautiful city of manhattan, though who knows what we will find in this lovely apartment search (again? i swear i just did this! ha)

i realize my most creative times are at night, after 1030 pm. around 10pm no matter how much sleep i've gotten, i get tired and dozing and want to go to bed. but if i make it past 1030 i catch a second wind and suddenly, as if brought in by the magic fairy of earth night i'm on a roll, awake and coherent and wanting to work on stuff - music, websites, job hunting, etc.

today has been one of the easy days. i got up groggy since i went to bed at 5 and was up at 10 for practice but was bouncing off my own two legs after practice and lunch and wandered around, shopping and looking at people and being happy beyond any measure that i live here. finally, after all these years of thinking and wanting it, i made it here, manhattan. and the shadows still come and the light still shines and i take it all in and just keep breathing. as one of my best friends said so recently 'nothing is what is seems' why worry?


give yourself a big hug, roll over and hug the person next to you. if there's no one there then just beat the pillow (or chair, or air) once and make a wish. anything is possible, but only when you believe it.

oh yeah, let's all just have a moment to appreciate the band called MUSE. i finally got some pics from the show i saw in may before i show hands down without hesitation i have ever seen. it was utter chaos and the biggest blessing to be there. they were beyond out of control in the most beautiful way. and i get to see them next saturday!!! thank you jesus. here you go

Sunday, July 18, 2004

wearing a white tshirt - caught in the rain

dude i do not know where to start

the last 5 days have been insane. me no longer sick, just a little stuffy still which sucks cause i was trying to record shit. but i'm learning that lovely virtue called patience

my sister came for a visit and i never knew how much fun we could have together. we've grown really close in the last year or so and to be able to run amok, go drinking and be boy crazy with her was so fun!!! :)

we had a few memorable evenings which included seeing the rad band MYTVs at arlene's grocery - they rock and are cool guys...check them!!!

that night included jagermeister, boys i don't know acting like they did, making out in a bathroom, meeting about 25 new peeps, handing out fliers for my upcoming show drumming for pink meaet this friday at the luna lounge, eating breakfast at 6am and finally going to bed at 7am. that was just one night. here were our breakfast buddies

jesus it's been a long time since i had that much fun in one night. and oh yeah, how cute are my sister shannon and i???

i had a great realization this week - that i need to stop going after quiet, boring, calm boys. it'll only break me again. compromise is no good. i'm glad i'm over that :) my criteria now is someone who will run down the street screaming with me, not just look on and laugh... :)

our other nights included normal type events for me such as being in a crowded bar with a bunch of retarded people and spoting the one guy i could tell was cool all the way across the room. being in a mood, i walked right over to him and just said hi. and then he was like, you're a burner, you've gone to burning man huh? it was really funny. needless to say it was a fun night with COOL people, not just a drunken lame fest.

other activities included seeing more bands, drinking more, eating SOOO much, hitting up the coney island siren festival to check out death cab for cutie and blonde redhead. but people were all retarded and not respecting the music and it was too crowded so pretty impossible to enjoy.

coney island was a trip, sooo good to see the ocean and put my feet in and walk in sand. it was like a giant freak show carnival, surreal in a really cool kinda way. i ran into the few peeps i knew there though which was crazy...eric is in town and i haven't seen him since MAY! i missed my boy!!!!!!

this is how much he missed me:

hhahaha. we were hanging at his friend's house (MIKE) for his bday...first thing eric does is take that picture. duuuuuuuh

it was fun to talk in shisk language and beat each other up. i'll be stoked when he moves her in september and we can run around spitting 'precious' all the time. it's good not to be the only wierdo alive.

so much more but i think this is enough stimulation for now.

now that i'm better i'll be posting more often again and finally getting the site up. i know i know i'm late!

the demo is coming along. writing some cool guitar parts for my songs which is quite an adventure for me...i didn't know i had that in me.


be good.

listen to MUSE and remember how beautiful the world is...

omg wait how could i have forgotten. today me jessica and shannon went to see king arthur and when we got out it was POURING, like POURING!!! i was wearing a white tshirt and my newfound love of the white bra. yeah. i started dancing and running down the street laughing like i always do in the rain since i am anti unbrella girl. it was damn funny. i was drenched by the time i made it to guitar center to buy sticks and walked in looking like a maniac with my wet hair and clothes and barking 'where are the drums!' i got some pretty funny stares.

hahaha. okay anyway. enough for tonight. whoever is reading this...i miss you! :)