Tuesday, November 4, 2008

we're not in kansas anymore. or san francisco for that matter.

hello glorious world! i just voted. didn't know sucha thing would wierd me out. the voting booth was pretty much a teleport replica? i dunno bout the rest of the country...but i've only voted in san francisco and there we do it scantron style. pen and paper. oh yes. oh yes we do. we also have things called propositions. loads and loads of them. voting takes a while. and we all stand next to each other with lil black plastic partitions and vote. and when we're done we are rewarded with little oval stickers that proclaim 'i voted' and we walk around the city all day being proud of ourselves and our leaps into democracy.

today i walked into a junior high gymnasium. showed my voter card. went into aforementioned teleport replica and had to move a large red lever from left to right. then i had approximately 5 or so offices to vote for. that's it?! no booklets of literature to mull over? not arm and arm with strangers as we vote together? i mean, i knew this is how it would go down. there's been no propoganda on the streets and no 'vote yes on x/y/z' on the streets. i knew that the only thing anyone in nyc would care about today is this: vote for president. more specifically. barak the vote.

my choice was easy. i clicked my lil gunmetal grey buttons and saw the X next to Barak Obama's name. I voted for a few other candidates for senate and judge. and then i moved the enormous (yes, resembling something in a fun park) lever back to the left which then cleared my x's (i mean, counted my vote) and i was out. the whole thing took approximately 7 minutes. no sticker. no high-five's. well...i did call navani the second i got out to confirm that this indeed is how voting has always been in nyc. that was a good enough hi-five for me...and that was that. off to starbucks. yes i just said starbucks. they are giving out free coffee today. what the? yes my heart has just warmed to starbucks. but just a lil but. so everybody just calm down. san francisco i miss you. everyone there who is voting today, wear your stickers proud.

i'm not all nerves today. i know that the choices and the changes that are on approach have long been coming. this is speaking worldly, nationally and personally. i am one who adores change. pursues it. chases it. asks for it and snuggles with it. i know today we will receive it. however that may be. but it's coming. heck it's here. now if you'll excuse me. i must be off to obsess over electoral votes and decide where i'll be watching election night coverage with the gang tonight. watch out world. here we go.


a side note:
in other news? the new shiny toy guns record 'season of poison' is out today. log on to itunes, amazon or bust your butt over to best buy or your local music store and BUY IT. buy 5. buy 10. buy 100. just buy it. there is no acceptable excuse for anyone not to have this record in their possession today.

Monday, October 27, 2008

embarrassin' kim garrison stikes again (and other stories).

i have a special talent. ok, perhaps many special talents. but one in particular is falling down. usually flat on my face. and for no apparent reason. (let's just say parked bicycles and i are not friends.) i've been limping along since a 1am subway encounter. you see it was just me and 3 clowns (clown #2, shorty and val kilmer). one small leap onto the j train. a lil bit of water. and well. now i have a knee cap the size of florida and arm bruises as parting gifts from subway poles. oh dear. ok. let's get on with the story.

sunday funday. i think yesterday we were on round 9? sister time. sibling time. new friend time. brunch and bar food and football. did i mention tequila? i blame christian. dang allergies. our standard sunday affair was in full swing. navani and dakin made it out. swooning. we all pretended to know something about football but after obviously failing (i think we shouted out team names for baseball instead of football?!)...we manifested some cards for our favorite round of 3-13. now, let me just get right to the point. past the beers and the shots and the food and the fun. let me tell you why i'm really here right now writing to you. because i'm pretty sure this would only happen to me. and i'm pretty sure i had about 4 witnesses. at least. so don't go telling me i'm exaggerating. or making shite up. or just plain crazy. or even creepy. cause outta nowhere. this really happened. are you ready?

a 5 year old was flirting with me.

now don't laugh. and don't you dare think i started this. i thought for sure i was hallucinating. so i asked sol to spy out of the corner of his eye. and dakin to watch in the mirror on the wall. there was some definite eyebrow raising. you know the kind i'm talking about. the wow-wa-wee-wa come hither move they do in the movies - kinda as a joke. i was sure i imagined it. until it happened again. and then he giggled. and then he leaned over to his father and spoke to him and pointed at me and it appeared he was getting some coaching. and then around the corner of the other barstool what appeared to be his older (12 year old?) brother was peaking at me. what the? ok. move on. that was funny i coulda laughed it off and ignored...if it had stopped there. as sol and i performed our usual shenanigans of laughing too loud and being obnoxious, this kid actually glared at sol! and ROLLED HIS EYES!!!!? convinced i too had imagined that i playfully pretended to slap sol to see what he would do......ummm. i'm not sure how to even say this. but. he gave me a thumbs up!? yes. people. this is true. this really happened. by this point everyone is trying to spy and see what he'll do next. scowling. eyebrow winking. dad coaching. thumbs up coercing. what next? this kid is gonna be quite the womanizer. you've been warned. and i really don't want to talk about how he threw himself up against the glass window as he was about to leave the bar. yes i said bar. and yes i swear to jebus he was 5. and he was with his parents. i'm scared. and now i'm embarrassed. next.

we left. we split up. i ended up with the boys. not THAT boy. MY boys. quelle suprise. by this point in time christian is about done for. but then he goes and orders tequila sunrises?! what the? oh and thanks dakin for chaperoning me in the bathroom. i was definitely afraid to go. let alone touch anything at the boiler room. hmmmmmmmmm. that was short lived. we couldn't convince christian to go hooka with us. lay. doc holiday's we love you. and meridith even more. so there we went. i am always amazed at how i still manage to find new things at this bar. it's like a treasure hunt for freaky people. for instance. exhibit a: there is a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. seeing as how i have never sat anywhere but the bar i never noticed it before. i'm glad we were able to convince dakin NOT to make out with it. close. very close. thank god for my camera. there was dancing. and garth brooks loving. and lots of grabbing (i won't say what) and at some point i was in a falling barchair fighting off kisses and then saved midflight from crashing to the ground AGAIN. this time it was not my fault. i don't think. i dunno anymore. i plead the 5. or erroneous. or contempt. or preposterous.

i really need to learn some new legal terms. ok. that's all for now.

ps. clown camp nyc was in effect over the weekend. nashville came. saw. and conquered. pics soon.

tonight? nkotb. with sissy. watch out.


Friday, September 26, 2008

स्कारेड तो ब्लॉग [i'm scared to blog]

ok kids. listen up. i'm scared to blog because i most likely will incriminate myself. first of all. here he his.

i have somehow developed a micro-cosmic attachment to this man. don't worry. the feeling's mutual. what the?? HA. i heart all over his mom's face. take that clown.

now i'm not quite sure how to discuss last night without totally a) upsetting people b) being not-so-nice-and-that's-not-like-me or c) oh i dunno but there probably should be a c

you want a list? sure you do. my brain can't really form very long sentences right now anyway. ok here goes. to all my 'friends' [;)] that convinced me this was a good idea? a nice little experiment? healthy? NIET. reasons why:

* 9th and a
that's all i'm going to say. 9th and a. i don't know the address. i do not have the address. no no no. it's 9th and a. the first test = failed. NIET.

* jameson. and vodka. and beer.
if you do not like at least one of the above - NIET.

* if you wanted to interview me you shoulda asked. i am not applying for whatever job you're offering anyway. NIET.

* hi. word of warning. i am tall. like monster sized tall. if you cannot control your staring and your head actually moving up and down as you take a look....NIET

* if you can't believe in dreams but settle for what's 'realistic' - NIET

and one final and very poignant reason. and my personal favorite:

* i'm not so sure i'm into confused bisexual go-go dancing police officers. but hey you never know, right? NIET.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


dreams that decide how to stretch.
bare bones and open palms.
reaching for abundance.
curse the distant waves that
can only come closer
waiting for the lesser known
fate of a face to release
to return
to find solace
and carry it
bright on his back
and place it
at my feet.

Monday, September 15, 2008

only in nyc can you have this much fun! [and this is what it is]

chi-town invasion?
family reunion?
spider monkey al quieda ninja clown parades?

check. all of the above.

cast of characters:
tommie sunshine
daddy devine
grampa (alex)

5 nights. wed-sun. and this is how it goes.
extra curricular activities:

night 1: sushi with mili and greg. dj and dancing at the annex.

night 2: best thai food in nyc at pukk. wine and the ericksons at rockwood with grampa clown. meet christian and sol at docs for family reunion time. wander to 'pick up mili' at hookah bar on 3rd where locke is playing. end up falling into the hookah vortex, drinking beer, sol and i edward cullen-ing ourselves with watermelon double apple sweetness all night! being introduced as a famous singer. dancing skulls. fire breathing. managing to leave and head back to doc holidays. deciding we love hookah bars - who knew? home.

night 3: more sushi. delirious. ditching goldfrapp. rockwood again with mouth 'sneezing' wine. excellent singer songwriter. meander back to hookah bar with loads of wine. migrate to bowery electric to find daddy devine and greg. largest clown parade ever head to annex for a bottle and asking the very obvious question - why are we still out? cab home for edward cullen time.

night 4: ummmmm oh dear. roll outta bed. fling into east village for brunch at the heavenly paprika. business meeting with grampa clown (alex), christian and sol. come up with pretty much the best idea EVER that is going to catapult soooooooo much...just you wait and see. head to dumbo to retrieve concert tickets. take my red skirt and black vested almost x-rated self to meet sol and see in flight radio at irving plaza. rah-rah. bolt. pick up christian. subway to brooklyn. get lost and wander while boys joke that we are going to get shot and upset me by reminding me i live in brooklyn. find the bar. find tanya. eat tasteless burgers. enjoy blueberry beer. entertain ourselves with noel. chris shows up. ummmmmmmmm. [insert censored thoughts here]. ditch the party. cab to iggys. salvation in manhattan. madness. uh oh noel is giving me whiskey. oh dear christian is dripping his drink onto my leg and licking it off. oh my. chris goes home. i think we have a dance party. i definitely am challenged by a stranger and yes i pick him up. noel and i decide we need to learn swing dancing. [insert censored activity here]. ditch iggys. head to kellys. sad clowns to see mean mean mean man kick kid down stairs. almost get in a fight. decide chances aren't good. move on. find out how i was found out as a singer at hookah bar on night 2. the randomness of seeing karem and posse there was just tooooooo much. the right conversation. and finally. last but not least. after embarrassing myself in the corner store with inappropriate conversation as well as lime chips and cheese dip...it happened. the fucking NINJA stole our cab. 'um did you just call me a ninja!?' 6am bedtime.

night 5: yes there's more. 11am wake up. unheard of delirium sets in. must have benedict and coffee. meet boys on ave c. walk way too much in the way too freakin hot sun. after looking at at least 10 restaurants and even going so far as sitting down in one and then getting up and leaving we end up a block from 'home' and have pretty much the best brunch ever with the most fabulous french people YES. now it's time for games. oh and please do not forget the freakin sippy cups. why are people looking at us so strangely? why aren't they laughing more? what is so wrong with drinking out of santas brains. free pizza. and 3-13 games. migrate. i love gay bars ps. why? free pizza, HAPPY HOUR and FREE WII. wii bowling rules at life and makes me want to sneeze. sol is out of control because he wins at EVERYTHING and rules at life so much i almost want to hate him. supplies from whole foods and a trip to a non blog appropriate store that definitely took our friendship to a new level [insert x-rated innuendos here]. it's finally time. doc holiday's. meridith we missed you. more sippy cup action. more 3-13 action. i should go home. do i? oh heck no. garth brooks. i do believe i saw christian picking up johnny's sister and throwing her onto the pool table. and then there was pole dancing. i for sure have bruising on my arms from that christian. ps. i'm sure your knees are bruised too? we lost santa to the wasteland that is the floor behind the bar. sad clown. more dancing. more laughing. it's 2am. i'm in a cab. goodnight.

i love you guys.

Friday, August 8, 2008

things that make me so unbelievably happy...it should...

...really it should just be illegal:

bacon, egg and cheese on a roll - um hi heaven

ABN - adult beverage night

coming home at 3am and causing a scene

reunion time with christian and alex and meridith and doc holiday's WOOOT [I have a photo of Christian in the market at like 230am and it’s kinda priceless coming soon!]

head automatica - for saving my life today. after 3 hours of sleep the past 2 nights i thought it quite possible i just might involuntarily teleport outta my body this morning on the subway. yes that means i was feeling pretty delerious. solution? blast head automatic on my ipod and unabashedly DANCE on the subway (yes in public). not only am i now awake but i'm giggling still and singing lines from 'laghing at you' 'at the speed of a yellow bullet' and 'lying through your teeth'

oh joy
oh me
oh my

oh yeah! and speaking of reunions. some random i met like um eight months ago resurfaced outta nowhere last night. love it.

and my phone is bursting now with all the new friends that are in it.


michael if you're reading this you better get yer skinny ass up to nyc next weekend before we send a squadron of angry mobsters to pick you up and deliver you to us.

shannon's here in 3 days ummm kinda the best thing EVER

jess will be here too ummm herro

and oh yeah don't forget kill hannah.
dance party anyone?

the end.

if you need to
a) wake up
b) laugh and smile and feel happy to be alive
c) i'm tired, just watch this:

Sunday, July 27, 2008

what you witness.

what you witness. is beauty and truth. feeling their way. through archaic boundaries. through sweat and tears…bloodstains. giving through grieving. dancing in the sorrow of the self. to find rebirth. wait with regret no more. do not forestall growth for reminiscence. there is a place and time for all of this. and here. right now. in heaven. where we wait. i give and give again. in order to save myself. in order that we may find. what’s forgotten is already forgiven.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


the taste is inexplicable. gorgeous. edible. happiness-love-here - & -now-thank you.

Monday, June 30, 2008

bklyn. it's a love affair.

game on. bklyn, i love you! it's true. rampant screaming rain. thunder. lightening. surprise visit from a los angeles partner in crime. walking at least 8 miles. crossing the williamsburg bridge on foot. laying all the way down on aforementioned and very wet bridge. predicting the weather. 7 minutes anyone? spain winning the euro cup. spike hill madness. seeing jes hudak singing backup for enrique iglasius/ [rad]. impromptu brazilian dance parties. secret art galleries. insanely beautiful debaucerous graffiti. glasslands how i adore you and cannot wait to find you again. rockstar bar how tragically hip you are i can't wait to play there. kent street with your red door and art (ichobod? jesus? yes!). wandering wandering wandering. perfect. jax and taly. ummm you rule. oh yes and do not ever forget roebeling tea house. omg yum in my mouth.

and manhattan you are still loved too. for your amazing thai food, pukk you save my soul. hell's kitchen for your brand new irish bar. doc holiday's for bringing me stellar friends and more fun than anyone should be allowed to have with a jukebox. meridith, christian, i love you.

all of this. in under 24 hours? a good sunday indeed. ladies and gentlemen. kim garrison is back.

get the full [visual] scoop here


Friday, June 27, 2008

sacred geometry.

you are shades of green,
ancient grass of words
which speak rhythms to me.
my heart, unbinding lives
of languid time.
you are loosening
my lucid lines of living
with your hands
inching in
without words.
stitching all the places
unworthy of regret,
into phrased phases.

my understanding
of what this is…

sacred geometry

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


maybe i have leapt into the abyss. seeking an unknown enemy. righting myself in the face of what has been lost. of what i have given up to be here. maybe i am no longer without shame. without guilt. favored by god no more. seeking an empty mirror in an unknown land in a space so far from where it is i began. maybe. just maybe. he will still find me. walking without pretense. breathing without want. needing without answers. feeling without fight. maybe.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


wasted. time. on images. ideas. percentages of faith restored. with warmth. promised. dreams only imagined. paths to cross. [despising witness]. slow wickedness. absentminded illusion. growth from the picket lines of fairness. only what we see can we witness. in such worth as only words can bring. this list of lust and longitude. this laughable space of certainty and calamity.

decidedly imaginable.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


the secrets. buried. beneath oceans. under sand. shifting. with the wind. which picks up. carrying heart in hand. forgotten what words have been said. forgotten what loss would give to an underhanded destination. that length would try. that your face would draw near. it is ever present. in the standing steward of sentence. let us draw in. behind the sun. let us love the loss and leave heavy headed. without cause for regret.

Monday, April 28, 2008

photo shoots. police. jameson. and more.

my amazing friend navani wrote the most perfectly accurate blog about the weekend.
check it!

Navani Knows how to be a production assistant…

Running in creative circles like I do means actively supporting those around you in their endeavors. Most times it comes in the form of going to a friend’s show. Other times, as I learned this weekend, it means picking up a new skill set. For example, acting as production assistant on an impromptu Brooklyn wide photo shoot. I received a crash course in styling, photography and British culture while on location with my singer/songwriter friend Kim Garrison.

I may be in the midst of a career change as we speak people…GO KIM STREET TEAM! WOOT!

It was very reminiscent of an episode of America’s Next Top Model on a Brooklyn street challenge. Kim plays the contestant minus the crying, David Renfrey plays Nigel, the British Photographer, and I am the not gay, less glamorous art director Jay, minus the platinum hair. I shouted out directions and fixed her hair, but mostly just carried bags and sat with them.

In any case it was a cool experience playing apprentice!

Highlights included:

* Helping Kim get over her fear of heights on the Williamsburg Bridge.
* Learning how to measure light with special equipment and having it
added to my PA duties (along with watching the bags).
* Playing fashion show while eating butternut squash baked pizza.
* Pinning up a nightgown and pretending it was suitable to wear outside at
* Taking a picture of someone taking a picture. (STREET TEAM ACTION SHOTS WOO HOO)
* Kim yelling at everyone as they walked into Rockwood music hall to go to
the other room and not look at her.
* Getting accosted by the park police for not having a permit to shoot
pictures (after shooting for over an hour).
* The park police not noticing the huge bottle of Jameson we had with us
on location.
* Skater guy watching us shoot at the park.
* Skater guy following us around the block and watching us again.
* Kim sprawled out on a purple bench.
* Kim in the middle of the street with her dress and 4 inch heels, screaming
periodically that she is NOT a street walker.
* Finding the space invaders symbol painted on the wall.
* Skater guy still watching us
* Kim waving to the police hoping they don’t mistake her for a street walker.
* Trying to find the damn pier.
* Not finding the pier entrance, but stumbling on the best diner known to
mankind (Relish Diner)
* Learning terminology like “closer “(a closer body shot) and “neat” (drink
without ice).
* David reading his manual - um how long have you been a professional
* David figuring out color saturation. We heart color saturation!
* Kim and I getting hit on by an eight-year-old outside the bodega - “you so
sexy, and your friend too:”
* Me learning about embedding colors and the real definition of a flat in the
same breath.
* Saying, “of course” after everything.
* Making David listen to Soko “I’ll kill her.”
* David loving the song.
* Getting scared by large groups of tourists in Dumbo.
* Running away from Dumbo shortly thereafter.
* Me speaking in a British accent for the remainder of the day.

So, it is very fitting that I am being sent to cover the AOL Fashionista photoshoot later today. Stay tuned for that blog…

find out more about navani here - http://navaniknows.wordpress.com/

Monday, April 14, 2008

post clown camp. the 'pretty sure' update.

i'm pretty sure i should not be allowed out in public alone and then drink a lot of tequila. i'm just sayin....

i'm pretty sure i have about 7 mysterious bruises that i've acquired since arriving back in nyc

i'm pretty sure i'm fairly apathetic about being home. which is a strange feeling. especially alarming if you know me at all....

i'm pretty sure canada is inspiring me right now

i'm pretty sure i'll be back in CA this time up north the first few days of may

i'm pretty sure clown camp east coast needs to be happening asap

i'm pretty sure life rules even though i can't barely function at the moment (this having something to do with being mia for 2 days and no one noticing!?)

i'm pretty sure i'm happy to be home with my mongo

i'm pretty sure i am missing clown 1 and 2, ichabod and the crew A LOT

i'm pretty sure i love you.


Friday, April 11, 2008

you know you're at clown camp when...

you play hooky from your own life and most of your friends don't even know what coast you are currently on (ps. left)

your ability to function as a 'normal' human being in public is severely disabled and frankly downright embarrassing

you sneak out of the dance-arama party to go cause trouble at tiny's (no baby oil this time. thanks g!) and when you get home five boys are in the kitchen eating bacon, french toast, popcorn, beer and corn-dogs

you find yourself doing jazzersize at 3am with the tallest boy you've ever met in your life... in your underwear

and in closing i would just like to say 'are you a idiot?'

[clown camp la participants: head mistress! (kg), shannon (#2), kimberly (#1), caleb (cit/ichabod), shorty, corey, puddin, justin, gina, stacey and a few other stragglers]

photos you DO NOT want to miss coming soon soon soon. for now? take this:

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


these small spaces. where love gets in. the inevitable crack. the release of need and the approach of all that is. no matter what skin you may see. no matter what skin you may eat. the face of my will in this mirror. the singe of such need. still ever apparent. i will always. hold. the trust of my soul. in your eyes. the need of such beauty to be released. and only you would know. and only you could see. so silent. in this. space. i release. i wait. i function. with a balanced act. of intuition. lasting lust. beauty. truth. and you. always. coming back. to you.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

a passing death.

i may never understand the secrets of the heart. when spoken mouth to ear. never covet another when the reason are obvious and now quite clear. that nothing has survived. that no one can contain...what reasons still exist. for this. lasting pain. for this. loving surge of anonymity. regret. disbelief. that love. through ALL of this. can still exist.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

2008 plug awards.

i love our music. bat for lashes. devendra banhart (he was mia BOO!). jose gonzalez. nick cave. rock. read the review and pics here.


Thursday, March 6, 2008


clarity...in the space between...finds silence, blinding. it aches where no one sees. where cause and effect dance at last and again place want inside fingers that have lusted so long for this freedom. if you witness my last breath would you know the secrets...longing... directing my movement all these years? would you see the actions of my heart on display in overarching color, worlds of words walking your way? could it ever be any more simple than this? right now? in this present moment? to forgive...and forge ahead with everything i have to give...to you and us in this brilliance in this recognizant world in this glorious birth of standing alone on my own two feet. such simplicity. such sanity. such clarity. finally.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

congrats glen hansard!

seriously amazing moment to see Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová win an oscar tonight. known glen's work forever now and to see two real songwriters win something so 'hollywood' and being up against movie making machines....gesh i am just SO fucking happy. thank you thank you thank you. you are both beautiful. this is an amazing moment. so happy. thank you. xoxokg.

Friday, February 22, 2008

three things....

three things making me unbearably happy today:

devendra banhart.
ethiopian yergacheffe... &
the inches and inches of snow outside!

i'll be in the studio again today and tomorrow.
should have a lil video montage for you soon. just you wait.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

an explaination of sorts. treasure.

so. for future reference let me give you an analogy.
you are in a rowboat headed for vulcher island. i am in a rowboat headed for shore. the lighthouse....calling me. just wait till you hear it!
the end.

kim garrison stats. 02.20.08

words won't come. not how they usually do. so you all must make do with this.
rufus is on. i have a kale obsession.
merlot from australia is damn good.
i have a habit of falling in love with gay men.
i have seen my universe shrink in infinite measures in the past 4-5 days [i am in love with it.]
martha loves the roughs...what else could i possibly ask for in life? ;)
10 months in nyc and i have manifesting everything i came here for.
10 fucking months. wow.
michael and christian i miss you already why have you left me?
i am having studio withdrawals.
steps. huge steps closer every moment. each day. thank you thank you thank you.
secret weddings i am now privy too...make me smile.
letting love live... well how about just letting it IN.
the mohave is calling me...and i am coming home to her soooooooon [glitter and dust and tears/laughter and laura...]
california are you ready?
the rest of you...prepare. i'm about to let go.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

monkeyboy studios - day 1

yesterday was fantabulous. brad and brain rule at being mad scientists. alex and harry rule and rocking. team clown is in effect. i now have an easter duck bobble head for an emotional palletizer in the vocal room. we nailed 3 songs in one day - treasure, even leaving and show me one. today we are about to begin and i'm just....happy. and excited. and feel incredibly blessed to be working with such beautiful and talented people. woot. bring it.


Saturday, February 16, 2008

monkeyboy studios. here we go.

hello pretty pretty ones.
well it's finally happening! today i am headed in to monkeyboy studios in brooklyn,ny to begin work on the record. alex nahas and harry green will be joining me to work with the fantabulous brad albetta [martha wainwright, teddy thompson]. i'm so very excited to share this news with all of you...you know how long it's been in the works. ny to sf and back again. i am here and i am bringing this for you. words and more coming soon....keep your eye on my blog. i love you all. so much.



Wednesday, February 13, 2008

i know why he did it.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

desire.despair.wearing white.

sounds that make snow melt. scottish voices raised to me. hailing change. i cannot fathom the inexplicable warmth of snow. the cold cleansing...brushing upon me.

the twilight sad.

their sound is everything i feel right now. with red wine on my teeth. and snow blowing over my window. with every dream so close. with every lover held at gun point. the sound and the voice. sets me on fire. keeps me from harm. keeps the distance of steel and water at arms length. i will not go. i will not fall. i will not falter. not yet. it's not time to go. but soon. soon. soon. if you do not come back. then soon. soon. soon. i will call your bluff.

go listen to this band please. they are healing my soul. feeding my fingers. blessing my eyes and allowing me sleep.

Monday, February 11, 2008

it's not.

you all may think it's a joke.
highly dramatic.
silly even.
but it's not.
it's just a good thing i'm afraid of heights.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

sunday facts. 02.10.08.

tonight it is going to be 12 degrees.
i have only seen it snow once since i moved to nyc [last april].
today my friends are going to win a grammy.
i am filled with awe and respect and joy for them. it has been quite the journey seeing their success in the past year and nine months.
i am unable to leave my house.
the wind threatens me.
the face of friends i am unable to meet...
i would like the shelter of limbs but there are none.
only sounds of chords and voices.
echoes of my own.
warmth from the heater that never turns off in winter.
regret that punctures my soul.
joy. that i've finally learned to be patient.
that i will make it through this.
that i am so close, steps away really, from living the life i came here to live.
enough for now.


Saturday, February 9, 2008


this is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt, gut-wrenching, painful, exquisite, honest and stunning songs i have every heard. it has graced my life repeatedly these past few years. this showing of it will bring you life. please watch it.

thank you antony. can't wait for your new album this year.........


Monday, February 4, 2008

first snow.

a matter of redemption.
a space eating heart attack.
a head that finds escape in unlikely places.
a whole resting matter of guilt and shame released into this.
sin lifting in unending grace.
respite whistling between my teeth.
reasons to be beautiful.
anchors without ocean.
pain without suffering.
understanding in my feet.
love unbound and tied around my throat.
waging war with a song.
half listening with the eyes.
nodding in agreement with every space inside me.
holding close the intention you can feel but have never heard.
deciding that freedom will win out in the end.
that love holds no loss.
that it is holding onto every-little-thing.
enough.enough.enough. [for now]

Friday, February 1, 2008


truth becomes spacious. words exit silence and enter dream. anticipating reality. forcing reconciliation in the heart and mind. matter over meter. lust dissolving desire and retiring into warmth. into arms that reach across oceans. into space that is filled with thought and reaction to this emotion. that only separates us...for a moment.

patience. inexplicable. returning you. to me.


Friday, January 18, 2008

editors. [why live music should change your life.]

now and then again you see a show that more than entertains. it more than surprises. it offers a gift and moments of peace. wonder that holds space for the self. the editors last night at terminal 5 was one of these. it ranks right up there with muse at popscene, radiohead at the santa barbara bowl and pj harvey solo at beacon theatre. never have i seen a band been so musically entertaining and solid while remaining engaged in soul-baring intimacy. i was already in love with the songs from listening to their two albums...to have the live show so far surpass what is already a brilliant collection of songs was just utterly amazing.

from the first song, bones, it was hard to look at anything other than tom, the lead singer/guitarist. he came on stage with the power to define and direct the heart in an instant. humble and engaged, explosive and sincere, all in a moment. every movement an impulse, an extension of sound, the songs being limbs, pieces of this band, the sounds of their life.

tom was always scanning the crowd with wide eyes and outstretched hands, often jumping onto the piano and then swapping guitar for keys mid-song. his energy was an invitation. the band moved in support of him, remaining in the shadows, creating the sound-scapes for sound and space, singer and song to play in.

the surprise song of the night was a b-side i'd never heard which was stunning. it's called you are fading and you should get into it and go get it for yourself. right now. go on...'i'll loose this i always have, i always let you down...you are fading, slowly drifting off to sleep'

i must mention lights...i've never truly seen a lighting design that was of any real import at a show. the editors...well they nailed it. the mood was uplifted and dramatized with every change...bringing the choruses to life visually and audibly...most perfectly executed on 'escape from the nest'. it was freakin brilliant. bring it on lighting designer, you rule!

it appears these guys have been on the stage together for a very long time. wide smiles and thumbs up to the crowd after each song [is this a british thing?] there was not one move out of place. not one moment lacking emotion. i was never tempted to look away. i was never left alone. all of this beauty...and even though my two absolute favorite songs off the album were not even played [well worn hand and put your head towards the air]...i thank you. for bringing life to rock and for the engaged intimacy that is so often lacking from live shows these days. refreshing doesn't even begin to cover it. don't miss this band. travel however far you must to see them. it's all that you need...a moment. a gift.


ps. it's worth mentioning that hot hot heat rules at life. i love these kids. i remember the first time i heard them. i saw the video for bandages on mtv at some obscene hour in the morning. i pretty much thought it was the worst song i had ever heard. the guy just kept repeating 'bandages, bandages, bandages' and he was all wrapped up in, yeah...bandages. wtf? for some strange reason i ended up getting some of their music. yes it was because that song i thought i hated was stuck in my head and wouldn't get out and i wanted redemption that perhaps they had some other songs i would like. hell yeah. talk to me, dance with me RULES [you are my only girl but you're not my owner girl!]. but also let's discuss bandages because pretty much...the verses of that song are just bloody brilliant: 'i've been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know i made, of you, for you, let's see what needles do...i've been thinking i've been drinking too many drinks all by myself...' i mean, come on. so yeah, they rule and seeing them open last night ruled too. once again, much ruling in nyc going on. thanks guys.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


weightless. silent. the scent of freedom ringing in cells...abandoned, in regrettable fashion. an episode of faith and fear. a new way to remember. all hope in forgetting. and fascination. endless. in the moments that arrive to save a life again and again and again. the mysteries of today calming my skin. stalling walls with such ease. tonight i see the editors. i get to feel the senses of god fall into me.

'you touch my face...god whispers in my ear...there are tears in my eyes...love replaces fear'

- the weight of the world [editors]

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

look back.

sounds of constellations. hearts. ache. neglect. forgiveness. a pattern not yet met. in what circumstance can we move ahead? in what reaction do we release the stars and feed upon the earth again? tell me. in what language you are speaking. in what phrases are you manipulating to make me understand? there are no more reasons. there cannot be any more answers. you have given me your hand and in your long retreat given me every thing i need to know. that you never look back. you are never looking back.

what burrows in...

i might have given every memory to him. left laughter at the gate of our union. lost a patch of innocent skin in hopes of being forgiven. for all that i am. for all that i wanted to do with him. and now. this space. of silence that holds onto sin. of grain that burrows in. and covers every inch, where he…where he always…used to be.


regret. as it pauses. long hard look at my skin. what does it see within? what witness does it bring? i would like to cleanse myself. to absolve my worth and let love live. but i’m not sure. not quite sure yet how this works. how the weight of the world sifts between us and calms such sin. please. let there be sun on the other side. let there be movement. and restraint. heaven. as it come clean. let us be. free.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

what listens.

when you speak there is movement, listening. i remember this today. the words and actions of the universe have proven this to me. speak of lonely, just ask, and the plane shifts. today the words that have been spoken to me leave me utterly amazed. the heart of one so very far away, giving me such life in his way. in his snapshot. in his trust. in his return. [love exacted just i know it exists. i wish i could return it as he asks it of me.] and another, just a bit closer. a long lost call. the sweetest utterance. the call i needed at exactly such a moment to move into the evening which has proven to be just...a blatant reminder that every movement is heaven, that all that i do is all that i want and that it is finally all the same in action. thank you. thank you. thank you. it truly does not matter, any of these small smoke stacks, worry or misdeed. at the end of all this [and soon] i will have words and sounds for ears with my name on it. he has said yes. he has said love. and i am just...so...so... grateful for every single step i've taken to get here. i love you. all. especially tonight. especially right now. [you know who you are]. more soon. [i know this is cryptic]. ecstatic. the end. [thank you david and ben. for coloring my world today with your words.]


transition. determination. destination.

after being out just about every single night for the past 8 months....i must admit having a home and staying in cooking meals and reading has been heaven. not that i don't enjoy the madness that is new york. it's just time, to sit and recuperate and refocus on the madness that is happening on the inside. i realize my capacity to love is ever expanding. and new skin brings new depths. and fear only releases the need to express even more the emotions that come. i have been reading books on love. not romance. but the treasure of the soul when it finds that which instigates unfiltered joy. 'straight is the gate' is a very old, classic french novel that i read in one sitting. it brought out the pains of love as it carries two young loves into life, unresolved in their union. it resonated with all that i am feeling at the moment. that which you truly love lasts forever. and even if you are determined to spirit it away or carry it into another room or time or face...it will remain. it will hold onto you until death. it is a beautiful and heart-sickening truth. and i don't believe there is only one love that will find and bind to the heart, but i believe that the truth of our souls will want just one. and we must move to that rhythm. and we must make sense of that which is removed from our path, from our own resistance or the fate of an other. this is the way in which i live. this is the truth of what i know.

in other news. words and hope filter through me. soon these new songs will be born. the ones that have been trying to come through. those that up until now have had no home. trust. curse. loves lasts forever. 1,000 miles. war. gypsy love. and more and more and more. many solo shows coming up to bring these out. it's good to be back in this space...

for now i send sound to the wounds that have come and will come again. and hope to those that cannot hear me. i'm coming. i'm coming. i will be there soon.