Wednesday, December 13, 2006

erase or recreate?

I want to tell:
what taste
will touch
and what sound
will cave in
train the heart again…

if I give in
if I sand skin
will this truth
will this feeling
that I crave
erase or

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

forgiveness not yet written.

there are pieces of myself
[skin wrapped tightly]
wedged between truth
and sincerity.
somewhere below me
you are sinking worth
with weight
and despair.
a cool calm child
calling me.
in answer I leave my heart.
a response still waiting
forgiveness not yet written.


there is a space
between hearts
long distance
wafting air
colored dreams.
there is no more silence
I can taste.
there is no more calm
to keep the pace.
I retrace love
drawing you down
into me.
never erased.
and claiming my love
instead of fate
I release and relax
and rephrase
myself tonight.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

for all to see.

there are small ladders of lust
peaking at my dreams
shaking their heads
in respect and fear
that what world has come
will not pass again
that what faith has held
will cease to feed
and leave me
for all to see.

no more.

I am painting my soul on
I step towards the middle,
one in the heart.
there are no balances
left unchecked
no remaining
no lingering pain.

if truth could be captured
in song
you would hear
a soft
beating heart
a breath reminding you…
of love that
of emotion
that wept
with all the strength
of rain in winter
of snow on sand
of water we wade
waiting no more
escaping no more.

Friday, October 13, 2006


i have had some moments
they have been big ass motherfucking moments
this week
today today
i am sifting through emotions that i cannot yet interpret
the heart is a wild beast fickle and bucking mad
weeping and cringing, hiding and soaring
all at once
it has been nearly four month since i steped out of comfort and into my own hell
four months without words or arms, sound or silence
four months of standing on the edge
attempting to push myself over in or through
four months not sleeping right
not eating right
loosing weight
drinking to the point of disastrous effects on the head body and spirit
four months questioning:
my ability to love
my ability to trust
my ability to be a valuable human being
four months until this shift
one step. two steps.
step. step. LEAP.
the end of the week. the end of the day.
and words come.
and i have no idea how to respond.
how to react.
my body got naseaous. the heart spits.
then the body relaxed. and the face laughed.

i have leaped
into my life
all that i am creating
my dreams are living proof
that i am alive

and no matter how love carves me
i am here for it all
and i know
that i really love
and i love it all


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

for just a moment...

i know i'm not 'allowed'
but i'm going to anyway
happy birthday
wherever you are.

Thursday, September 7, 2006

hmmm. lala land and starbucks.

it's true
i liveat starbucks
my stuff is packed in boxes and 1/2 of it is in san francisco and half of it is in my sister's trunk
when i get up in the morning i drive to burbank and sit in starbucks working remote to my job in SF for hours while contemplating the infinity of choices before me
i long to sit with my guitar in a room all my own and practice for the show on tuesday
i want to go dance in the ocean and run in the sand that is so close to me in santa monica
i want to sit with friends and drink wine and laugh hysterically at how fabulous life is and how luxurious it feels to be free and with every opportunity to make my dreams come true at my fingertips
i am watching myself live and it is surprising me day in and out
i know that travel and surprise and spontenaity are on the rise
i know what i want
and who i am
after all these tears and times and waiting and running and hiding and digging
and i miss you
all of you i've seen in the last day all of those i have missed for years that i might never see again
everyone that i love
which is every one of you
life is good
it always is
and i cherish these moments when i can actually see it feel it touch and taste it

big hugs (or higs) to all of you


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i love.

and life changes.
the world shifts.
the fog rolls in.
my mouth tastes different.
my voice craves other ears.

unexpected blessings.
heavy hearts releasing.

the weight of love is not one
to dispose of.
I hold it.
embrace it.
feel every inch of it.
such new skin.

what would this world hold
without such imposition.
without such movement.

one woman.
a soul
very much
my own right now.
to love in such a rage.
to want with such a need
that all other shortcomings
become irrelevant.
the receiving end.
no knowledge.
bodies that function
without emotion.
(such ability to hide.)

but we are one.
us women.
to sit and feel
and breathe
and touch deep

and this brings smiles.
to feel.
to throw back
and comfort
that has been taken.
I am not afraid.
I am not ashamed.
I am admitting.
that I am in love.
that I do not hold
this water.

and it is felt
in every movement
in every breath
in every swallow


one step
towards all
that I have
and all that
will be.

I love
I love
I love


Monday, August 7, 2006

sound never dies.

this journal. that blog. so many places to record thoughts.
my morning pages. on myspace. on my website. here.
i realize today that sound doesn't die. that space is always filled again and again with endless variations of thought, word, deed and feeling.

a deep well of sadness turns to anger. if vulchers could find you...ha.
and then release. a week of endless joy and entertainment...laughing and forgetting sleep to make up for all the happiness i looked less upon this past year. i had an entire year of fun in one week. it was blessing heaped upon blessing.
thank you.

i have started to clean. i am packing. i am moving. i cannot wait. this stale city i was holding my breath for. how silly of me. i can laugh at myself and smile gently. thank god. or i would have killed myself so easily these past weeks.
i thought on it.
but laughter always won out.

thank you nyc for the blessings of friendship and opportunity. thank you los angeles for the purpose and promise of music and love. thank you san francisco for blanketing me with warmth and comfort. i have no need of you any more. no need of you at all.


Sunday, July 23, 2006


it's late. i can hear ludlow calling.
i am home.
it's my birthday.
officially it's over. but a good friend told me it's not officially over until you go to bed. i was up 24 hours ago. i am up again. sleep is not necessary in nyc.

july 22.
i covered the sky is a landfill.
i was told 'you are so buckley' which made me smile
i thought i knew some dude from a band i booked or played with so i chatted...
um it was the bass played from elefant. yeah.
and he hung all night watching the show. it was pretty cool.
thai food. back to sin-e. shots of jaeger a nyc birthday tradition.
this was an amazing amazing amazing night.
my first time playing my songs in nyc.
lizzy grant and jennifer glass thank you for sharing. for being there.
nyc thank you for showing up. the crowd. the gang. the music pool table and marshmallows even.
life is happening. the voice the sound the songs. it was real and i was alive.
and i want to do this every day. stand in the shade and live. breathe. change.
i have elefant on right now and it makes me laugh.
life is grand. nyc is home. and the time is come to change. move. shift. again.
you will see. soon i will share.
for now.
close your eyes. take a deep breath and smile. love is in the air.
thank you shannon for making this trip and this night so amazing.
and alexis and david, darrell and taly for the amp.
friends. ahhhhhhhh. such beauty.
sleep should come soon so that tomorrow we can go again and taste the night.
thank you jeff.
thank you.



Wednesday, July 19, 2006

music beauty truth muse.

music. beauty. truth
I wish I could explain this to you
but that is the joy in sound
it can only be heard
it can only penetrate
it can only touch your cells
and you react.
the words the chords the melody
it all calculates emotion, subconscious, superconscious.
and it changes you.
sound changes us.
such a simple reality.
so rarely honored.
but tonight.
leaps in the air. arms and hands rocking.
the actual velocity of sound moving the entire body
down to the cells…dancing.
it is a surreal experience in that it happens too rarely
but I am grounded and fully alive right now.
‘butterflies & hurricanes’
these songs could fuel a war
with the self
and you would win.
I wish I could show you
I wish I could convince you
to listen to this music
to let it touch you
to let it come inside you
to go and see it hear it touch it
there is no other experience close to this
something that puts you so completely into
your own body that you just about puke
and you can’t feel anything but bass throbbing
the length of your body
hair to heart to feet
one two three.
embracing. caressing.
a lover.
an alter ego.
an unknown friend.
the soul
the soul
the soul.
and I am reminded who I am
what it’s like to be fully alive
like this
like this
like this
where every thought comes and goes
an acceptance and simplicity
all of this.
thank you.
for giving life tonight.

July 19, 2006 12:40am

Monday, July 3, 2006

a new.

pretend this was posted last sunday....i wrote it in the la guardia airport before flying back to sf. love. love. love.

I saw the sun rise these past two mornings. it’s like heaven shedding skin. the smell of salt hit me as I got outta the cab. airports no longer scare me. flying no longer frames me. I am not sure I am afraid of anything other than myself anymore. and this is a beautiful thing.

how to recap the last week? the last few weeks in actuality…

let’s start with new york. Jessica. Leanna. Alexis. Shannon. Mikey. Sabrina. Estelle. Kenny. Brooklyn. boogaloo. being the tall girl outside the club. babies. mini bonfires. marshmallow promotions lady outside pizza joint. (wait hold on. do you wanna marshmallow??) rockstars. red bulls. not drinking. not sleeping. not writing. not caring. shiny toy guns. open center. Jennifer Glass. Paige. early may. martha’s producer!!! subways. the studio. mad scientist (msg). live music. shade bar. v bar/café. new bands. sin-e.pomme frites. empire state building. memories. neighborhoods. bleecker street. cheese shop yum. um, pool hall. france’s ping pong champion anyone? sal’s! garlic knots. hip hop club? stalked by a bouncer? white sunglasses. miniskirts. a-train. ‘kimmy.’ drama. fulton-that man, on the subway!!! polaroids. (boys smoking in the subway.) cake factory. parsons. drunk girl. nyu. just plain weird! all around. dirt. flip flops. soho. rain. meatpacking. distilling the soul to find the voice. again. stepping aside to let spirit ride this out. the highs and lows will not go. the city will always attempt to swallow
me. and I am finally ready.

I wish I could write for hours to recap all the love and joy and beauty and laughter I recaptured this week. suffice it to say that going with nearly 3 hours a sleep a night proves to be enough when I am following my own footsteps. adventuring and living the life I have been dreaming of. always. I cannot explain the emotion that lingers. the heartstring that will not cut. the knowing. I can only ask that this will be enough. that this will come again. that the shift in focus will prove to be the correct path indeed. will prove that happiness can recreate inside skin. 6am. airplanes. photos. music. tattoos. hair. skin. friction. tears. truth. smiles. laughter. birth. mamma. fear. convalescing. communication. want. desires. touch. taste. sound. alone. legs. sky. new. york. new. me…

(thank you all who share in this life. all such beautiful blessings…)

this is all that I can say:

shirly temple - YES!!!!

early may...finally:

i'm amazed at how fast i can snap pictures sometimes...this guy was just way too freakin stylish to pass up. xo:

if only i could tell you all about the marshmallows...oh man. unending entertainment. i still think this place should pay me to stand outside and hand out marshmallows to all patrons. it really was a hit. even thr old lady spitting them out on the sidewalk. classic:

they taste best toasted:

ah chris pappa. you were the highlight of the evening. ha:

my girls leanna and jessica. love you two; so do the muppets. muppet!

yeah sometimes sabrina's a pirate. and yes nyc is random!

she's just too cute:

too random and hilarious to leave out. mikey if your faces were any funnier you'd be ME:

awe the kids. alexis i miss you!!

full photo shoots will be posted SOON.


tell tales of decision

I’ve returned from nyc. I’ve been back a week and it feels just an instant. The glasses have made their rounds. Tony was hugged. I felt like the paparazzi once again and we saw Meredith play a purrrty set at the brainwash café. It’s good to see my friends again and just chill the fuck out. Been so long since I just did ‘nothing.’

My apartment still feels empty. Even when my sister has been here all week. It’s strange to be in a space that once held such love and wonder and comfort…transformed to a room that lacks inspiration. Motivation rides the wave inside of me and I am still moving. These past few weeks have sparked a return of pieces of me I long forgot, hid from or buried to keep peace. Quickly coming back I have found myself sleeping less, drinking less (shirly temple anyone?) and writing and performing new songs without fear. To touch upon this place, even for an instant is a blessing I have long awaited. The hatred of the self is slowly lifting. Did I mention slowly…?

Monday night was a random gig at blondie’s a cute little martini bar down in the mission. I celebrated my first birthday living in San Francisco at this bar a few years back. It was a trip to be back there with some of those same peeps (tony whom I had just met and my sister who I barely got along with). Memories. And the addition of beautiful new friends was much loved (tracey, erin, jarrell, alan, brett, john, kathy, etc… wooot!)

Enjoy these morsels and I’ll update about this weekend soon which was wild. i'm currently stuck in los angeles after hanging backsage at the kill hannah/mindless self indulgence show, hanging at the studio and meeting greg and falling asleep in a hammock outside after the party on saturday at the world wide spies house. um. yeah. watch out.

Ciao bellas.


Friday, June 30, 2006

days of deciding

This will be the monster of journals but it’s long overdue and you need to know! Or see rather…this last month. In case you haven’t noticed the journal went into hiatus mode sometime last February. Yeah…wooooooooooops. That’s my new motto WOOPS. Lots of stuff slipped. I fell into love land and now I’ve returned with heart intact. Didn’t realize it was never fully alive until now. And though it’s now sleeping it rests well from exhaustion. [and loneliness].

Does anyone ever see through these clouds of poetic admissions I make? I hope so. I’ve never been one for bluntness but prefer the naïve ramblings of poetry and soul.

I’ve been seeing a lot of my sister lately. We seem to finally be on the same page and both working towards similar goals…she’s pretty much the biggest champion of my music right now and for that I am insanely grateful. She came to visit in late march and we basically ran around having WAY too much freakin fun including the Elefant concert (ugh yum yum yum):

And the hayes valley capsule fair which turned into a backporch party at rag with tony and jennifer, aka dj otterpop. Much dancing was had, even in the dressing rooms:

sangria was imbibed and laugher ruled the school
we owe the afternoon to tony who told us about the party:

I think the day was complete when I lost my new earring only to find it in my dress. Woops my hand down my shirt sorry. that entertained quite a few. Why the weird looks??]

the day wouldn’t be complete without street graffiti oh how I love you so:

and random trashy boys that I take pictures of instead of talking too [woops]. i like to think of him as the new boyfriend. haha.

Now the rest of the day starts getting hazy. I know we tried to get to carnival but all cabs were full and we gave up. Checked out lucky 13 which is a fabu bar, then hit the transfer but the party hadn’t started yet so we went to turbinado on haight street where we ran into Daniel!! Then we grabbed ali baba’s falafel [omg YUM] before hitting up mad dog in the fog where erin finally met up with us.
THEN (yes we kept going) I drunk dialed my dad (what??) and Dan (the other one, from la, duh) who got the scoop and decide he’d come up the following weekend to entertain me and keep me company (yippee).
We got back to my hood, parked in alan’s lot and ended up at rogue where god only knows what happened
The night ended at my apartment where we danced around to shiny toy guns, my sister fell over and I don’t even remember!! Erin and I tried on my new clothes, I took pictures of my ass and then somehow it was the next day
I know it happened cause I got pictures. Take that!! Bi-atch!

I swear sometimes I’m normal. Okay well maybe not but then again I’ve given up trying.
Fast forward a few days to Friday june 9th and I’ve got my show at the makeout room. You’ve got to know this is my favorite venue EVER. The vibe there is luscious, the sound is good and the stage is purty. Ohyeah and It’s perfectly all black and red. A huge crowd showed up which was beautiful and I played three new songs. One was super old and written for brian which never finished. It came together perfectly and is my new favorite and uploaded on myspace for now…the other ones were a two part love fest. ‘give my love away’, brand spankin couple days old new and ‘here is my love’ the love song never finished last year that I wrote for my love. Funny how timing happens upon you. The second verse and bridge wrote one day when I thought I was loosing my mind and pretty much had to go right to the source of my self to process this heady emotion that was coming through. Sometimes I’m not sure what I would do to myself if I did not have music to make. Thank you for that.

Oh we are so NOT done yet. Saturday dan and I picked up erin and headed out with all of our goodies to point reyes. My most favorite place on this earth.

It was cloudy but still gorgeous. The drive complete with good friends and good music (shiny toy guns and pj harvey yes!). point reyes blue cheese and Coturri wine. Heck I even tried salami. No more rules. So why not? Life goes and goes and I realize I understand not a thing. Cause once I experience that which changes me I shift again to absorb something else. Constant evolution. But this is a conversation for another place…

I have the coolest friends [even when dan sped the Mercedes through the hills so fast I swear I died three times…]. Look even their feet are cute!!

Dropping erin off we sped home to get ready for adolfo’s birthday party. We were running late but didn’t want to show up empty handed for dinner, so dan, being the chef he is whipped up a peach cobbler!?!??!! Oh yes yes yum yum. Happy birthday adolfo!! ;0 oh how I love him and jess! xox.

Oh man I swear. We are almost done. Who know so much could happen in one week.
Sunday morning I finally got over to lime for super yummy eggs benedict (my favorite – veggie style!) and unlimited mimosa’s. we sat across from aaron so I was still able to open my mouth and sho him my chewed up food which I know he can’t live without J
Brief stop at the haight street fair to catch 40’s being drunk on the roofs, missed my friend allison, ran into tracey and got the black earings I’ve been dying for [oh yes!]

I’ve decided street fairs are highly uneventful. Big woop you get to eat and drink outdoors and listen to bad bands and maybe run into some friends. We left there to go outdoors at el rio where scott was having his birthday party. This was the best part of the day. Hecka fun in the sun slasa dancing lotsa peeps margarhita drinking afternoon. What every Sunday should be! [there should always be this much laughter!]

So. I don’t remember when where or how but dan and I left and headed to sparky’s for burgers. They were tasty but when we were done neither of us had any recollection at all of where we parked the car. My memory has never failed me to such an extent!!! We walked in circles. We even sat in a cab driving in circles. Nothing. Finally I pulled my famous irish move and stopped on the street. Looked dan in the eyes and said ‘we are going to find this car. Now. In the next 3 minutes!’ we set out, turned the corner and voila! Right in front of safeway the CAR!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then we napped. And then he drove home around 3am I think, back to la.
It was a blessed weekend. Much needed fun and distraction from a pretty overemotional week. I know the heart heals. But I’m just going on heresy. Even when you know where you are and what you are is right, it still takes some doing to convince the heart to change it’s ways. Not so easy to let the heart lead. I wish I could let the head decide. But it just won’t do it. Silly me.