for all to see.

there are small ladders of lust
peaking at my dreams
shaking their heads
in respect and fear
that what world has come
will not pass again
that what faith has held
will cease to feed
and leave me
lonely
for all to see.

no more.

I am painting my soul on
I step towards the middle,
one in the heart.
there are no balances
left unchecked
no remaining
sadness
no lingering pain.

if truth could be captured
in song
you would hear
a soft
beating heart
a breath reminding you…
of love that
conquered
of emotion
that wept
with all the strength
of rain in winter
of snow on sand
of water we wade
waiting no more
escaping no more.

truth.

i have had some moments
they have been big ass motherfucking moments
this week
TODAY
today today
i am sifting through emotions that i cannot yet interpret
the heart is a wild beast fickle and bucking mad
weeping and cringing, hiding and soaring
all at once
it has been nearly four month since i steped out of comfort and into my own hell
four months without words or arms, sound or silence
four months of standing on the edge
attempting to push myself over in or through
four months not sleeping right
not eating right
loosing weight
drinking to the point of disastrous effects on the head body and spirit
four months questioning:
my ability to love
my ability to trust
my ability to be a valuable human being
four months until this shift
one step. two steps.
step. step. LEAP.
the end of the week. the end of the day.
and words come.
finally.
and i have no idea how to respond.
how to react.
my body got naseaous. the heart spits.
then the body relaxed. and the face laughed.

i have leaped
flying
into my life
all that i am creating
my dreams are living proof
that i am alive

and no matter how love carves me
i am here for it all
and i know
that i really love
and i love it all

xokg.

for just a moment...

i know i'm not 'allowed'
but i'm going to anyway
happy birthday
wherever you are.

hmmm. lala land and starbucks.

so
it's true
i liveat starbucks
my stuff is packed in boxes and 1/2 of it is in san francisco and half of it is in my sister's trunk
when i get up in the morning i drive to burbank and sit in starbucks working remote to my job in SF for hours while contemplating the infinity of choices before me
i long to sit with my guitar in a room all my own and practice for the show on tuesday
i want to go dance in the ocean and run in the sand that is so close to me in santa monica
i want to sit with friends and drink wine and laugh hysterically at how fabulous life is and how luxurious it feels to be free and with every opportunity to make my dreams come true at my fingertips
i am watching myself live and it is surprising me day in and out
i know that travel and surprise and spontenaity are on the rise
i know what i want
and who i am
finally
after all these tears and times and waiting and running and hiding and digging
and i miss you
all of you i've seen in the last day all of those i have missed for years that i might never see again
everyone that i love
which is every one of you
life is good
it always is
perfect
and i cherish these moments when i can actually see it feel it touch and taste it

big hugs (or higs) to all of you

xoxox.
kg

i love.

and life changes.
the world shifts.
the fog rolls in.
my mouth tastes different.
my voice craves other ears.

unexpected blessings.
heavy hearts releasing.
honoring.
obeying.

the weight of love is not one
to dispose of.
I hold it.
embrace it.
feel every inch of it.
such new skin.

what would this world hold
without such imposition.
without such movement.

one woman.
a soul
very much
my own right now.
to love in such a rage.
to want with such a need
that all other shortcomings
become irrelevant.
erased.
and
the receiving end.
no knowledge.
bodies that function
without emotion.
(such ability to hide.)

but we are one.
us women.
to sit and feel
and breathe
and touch deep
sadness.

and this brings smiles.
to feel.
to throw back
warmth
and comfort
that has been taken.
I am not afraid.
I am not ashamed.
I am admitting.
that I am in love.
that I do not hold
back
this water.

and it is felt
in every movement
in every breath
in every swallow

music
holds
me.

one step
towards all
that I have
and all that
will be.

I love
I love
I love

and
one
day
all
will
see.

sound never dies.

this journal. that blog. so many places to record thoughts.
my morning pages. on myspace. on my website. here.
i realize today that sound doesn't die. that space is always filled again and again with endless variations of thought, word, deed and feeling.

a deep well of sadness turns to anger. if vulchers could find you...ha.
and then release. a week of endless joy and entertainment...laughing and forgetting sleep to make up for all the happiness i looked less upon this past year. i had an entire year of fun in one week. it was blessing heaped upon blessing.
thank you.

i have started to clean. i am packing. i am moving. i cannot wait. this stale city i was holding my breath for. how silly of me. i can laugh at myself and smile gently. thank god. or i would have killed myself so easily these past weeks.
i thought on it.
but laughter always won out.

thank you nyc for the blessings of friendship and opportunity. thank you los angeles for the purpose and promise of music and love. thank you san francisco for blanketing me with warmth and comfort. i have no need of you any more. no need of you at all.

goodbye.