look back.

sounds of constellations. hearts. ache. neglect. forgiveness. a pattern not yet met. in what circumstance can we move ahead? in what reaction do we release the stars and feed upon the earth again? tell me. in what language you are speaking. in what phrases are you manipulating to make me understand? there are no more reasons. there cannot be any more answers. you have given me your hand and in your long retreat given me every thing i need to know. that you never look back. you are never looking back.

what burrows in...

i might have given every memory to him. left laughter at the gate of our union. lost a patch of innocent skin in hopes of being forgiven. for all that i am. for all that i wanted to do with him. and now. this space. of silence that holds onto sin. of grain that burrows in. and covers every inch, where he…where he always…used to be.

regret.

regret. as it pauses. long hard look at my skin. what does it see within? what witness does it bring? i would like to cleanse myself. to absolve my worth and let love live. but i’m not sure. not quite sure yet how this works. how the weight of the world sifts between us and calms such sin. please. let there be sun on the other side. let there be movement. and restraint. heaven. as it come clean. let us be. free.

what listens.

when you speak there is movement, listening. i remember this today. the words and actions of the universe have proven this to me. speak of lonely, just ask, and the plane shifts. today the words that have been spoken to me leave me utterly amazed. the heart of one so very far away, giving me such life in his way. in his snapshot. in his trust. in his return. [love exacted just i know it exists. i wish i could return it as he asks it of me.] and another, just a bit closer. a long lost call. the sweetest utterance. the call i needed at exactly such a moment to move into the evening which has proven to be just...a blatant reminder that every movement is heaven, that all that i do is all that i want and that it is finally all the same in action. thank you. thank you. thank you. it truly does not matter, any of these small smoke stacks, worry or misdeed. at the end of all this [and soon] i will have words and sounds for ears with my name on it. he has said yes. he has said love. and i am just...so...so... grateful for every single step i've taken to get here. i love you. all. especially tonight. especially right now. [you know who you are]. more soon. [i know this is cryptic]. ecstatic. the end. [thank you david and ben. for coloring my world today with your words.]

xokg.

transition. determination. destination.

after being out just about every single night for the past 8 months....i must admit having a home and staying in cooking meals and reading has been heaven. not that i don't enjoy the madness that is new york. it's just time, to sit and recuperate and refocus on the madness that is happening on the inside. i realize my capacity to love is ever expanding. and new skin brings new depths. and fear only releases the need to express even more the emotions that come. i have been reading books on love. not romance. but the treasure of the soul when it finds that which instigates unfiltered joy. 'straight is the gate' is a very old, classic french novel that i read in one sitting. it brought out the pains of love as it carries two young loves into life, unresolved in their union. it resonated with all that i am feeling at the moment. that which you truly love lasts forever. and even if you are determined to spirit it away or carry it into another room or time or face...it will remain. it will hold onto you until death. it is a beautiful and heart-sickening truth. and i don't believe there is only one love that will find and bind to the heart, but i believe that the truth of our souls will want just one. and we must move to that rhythm. and we must make sense of that which is removed from our path, from our own resistance or the fate of an other. this is the way in which i live. this is the truth of what i know.

in other news. words and hope filter through me. soon these new songs will be born. the ones that have been trying to come through. those that up until now have had no home. trust. curse. loves lasts forever. 1,000 miles. war. gypsy love. and more and more and more. many solo shows coming up to bring these out. it's good to be back in this space...

for now i send sound to the wounds that have come and will come again. and hope to those that cannot hear me. i'm coming. i'm coming. i will be there soon.

xokg.

happy christmas [birth.renewal]

a perfect morning of azure ray [safe and sound. and displaced]. loads of snow. i cannot even see the road outside of the house or any of the ground. inches and inches of perfect sky, falling. a beautiful morning of reflection and sound. pieces of my selves finding themselves again. letting go of nothing. noting the wants and desires that stir and stand alone. they never withstand such pressure to disperse. they never withdraw from the race. they wet themselves with anticipation. and grow. grow. grow.

xokg.

all in the family.

we are pretty much a walking tv show. i'm not sure how we do it or how we find each other but pairs of siblings pretty much rule. having shots of tequila before grocery shopping rules too. playing pool and dancing to garth brooks? yep more ruling. i will let pictures show you the story that was sunday december 16th in new york city. yes yes yes texas has been forgiven and everyone is all in love again. i credit christian's homecoming for this.

the rest of the weekend deserves it's own blog and will be forthcoming [um dancing at posh, yes it's a gay bar and yes i still got hit on, scott's cowboy shot and other insane antics, moving to brooklyn and more...coming soon].

we discovered that grocery shopping is more fun with friends [the shot of tequila helped too i'm suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure]:









cutest older siblings EVER? yep. right here. christian and shannon. they win.




and we're just cute.






sometimes i try to be a hater but it just never works. i love michael. mwahaha. :) mostly cause he puts up with me not being able to play pool at all and sings gb with me and drinks beer almost as fast as me and pretty much laughs at or at least puts up with me even when i am absofuckinglutely annoying and spastic. exhibit a:






there are many reasons to love just a little bit of everything when you are at doc holiday's. the pretty people, my favorite person ever [meridith]. the jukebox. the pool table. the pbr. buck hunter. on and on and on i go. here's just a random sampling:

















that's all for now folks.
lovers you. big surprises coming up. stay tuned.
xoxokg.