i know why he did it.

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...........................................................wlf....rvr................

desire.despair.wearing white.

sounds that make snow melt. scottish voices raised to me. hailing change. i cannot fathom the inexplicable warmth of snow. the cold cleansing...brushing upon me.

the twilight sad.

their sound is everything i feel right now. with red wine on my teeth. and snow blowing over my window. with every dream so close. with every lover held at gun point. the sound and the voice. sets me on fire. keeps me from harm. keeps the distance of steel and water at arms length. i will not go. i will not fall. i will not falter. not yet. it's not time to go. but soon. soon. soon. if you do not come back. then soon. soon. soon. i will call your bluff.

go listen to this band please. they are healing my soul. feeding my fingers. blessing my eyes and allowing me sleep.

it's not.

you all may think it's a joke.
highly dramatic.
silly even.
but it's not.
it's just a good thing i'm afraid of heights.

sunday facts. 02.10.08.

tonight it is going to be 12 degrees.
i have only seen it snow once since i moved to nyc [last april].
today my friends are going to win a grammy.
i am filled with awe and respect and joy for them. it has been quite the journey seeing their success in the past year and nine months.
i am unable to leave my house.
the wind threatens me.
the face of friends i am unable to meet...
i would like the shelter of limbs but there are none.
only sounds of chords and voices.
echoes of my own.
warmth from the heater that never turns off in winter.
regret that punctures my soul.
joy. that i've finally learned to be patient.
hope.
that i will make it through this.
ecstatic.
that i am so close, steps away really, from living the life i came here to live.
let
it
be.
enough for now.


xoxokg.

antony.

this is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt, gut-wrenching, painful, exquisite, honest and stunning songs i have every heard. it has graced my life repeatedly these past few years. this showing of it will bring you life. please watch it.



thank you antony. can't wait for your new album this year.........

xoxokg.

first snow.

a matter of redemption.
a space eating heart attack.
a head that finds escape in unlikely places.
a whole resting matter of guilt and shame released into this.
sin lifting in unending grace.
respite whistling between my teeth.
reasons to be beautiful.
anchors without ocean.
pain without suffering.
understanding in my feet.
love unbound and tied around my throat.
waging war with a song.
half listening with the eyes.
nodding in agreement with every space inside me.
holding close the intention you can feel but have never heard.
deciding that freedom will win out in the end.
that love holds no loss.
that it is holding onto every-little-thing.
enough.enough.enough. [for now]

truth.

truth becomes spacious. words exit silence and enter dream. anticipating reality. forcing reconciliation in the heart and mind. matter over meter. lust dissolving desire and retiring into warmth. into arms that reach across oceans. into space that is filled with thought and reaction to this emotion. that only separates us...for a moment.

patience. inexplicable. returning you. to me.

xokg.