beauty is forever (i remember)

beauty is forever...but it doesn't make sense. the waiting. the knowing. the wanting. to sit in silence. to wake with understanding. to drink wine in acceptance. i remember the day i stood in hyde park wearing red patent leather heels. i remember not knowing how to look. i remember sitting on the steep hillside off macondray lane in san francisco. confused. embarrassed. decidedly suicidal. i remember the words that came and changed me. the voice that spoke such softness. such kindness. such warmth. the one that turned the tides. i remember aching. i remember sitting in uncontrollable emotion. writing songs i never thought i'd sing. that i sing now. i remember regret. and i remember how i let go and how i stand now. starting over. i remember how much i love nyc. and i remember how i got here. all the long forceful meandering steps it took for me to arrive. and go back and forth and come back again. i remember the ocean. i remember your skin. i remember his face. i remember blacking out. again. and again. and again. i remember the hurt. i remember the world dissolved when you touched my hand. i remember moving. i remember the fight. with myself. with my art. with the heart. with the unknown demons i still speak with. i remember forgetting. for moments at a time. exploring new limbs. i remember. they were not you. i remember the music that saved me. the wind on the hill where i sat smoking. where i sat typing. to an unknown face. where i sat crying to an unknown god in an unknown place in a space i wanted to escape. i remember. the way i moved. the way i grew. i remember you. i remember.